SPF Infinity

I have been married for 235 days. I have found that when you are engaged and newly married people like to offer a lot of words of wisdom about marriage. You know, “never go to bed angry” and “marriage is work” or “marriage is a choice you have to make every day.” And then there are those couples who are deliriously happy because they married their perfect match, or because they “work on their happiness every day.”
My words of wisdom can be summed up using the tag line from an old MTV show, “you think you know, but you have no idea.” I thought I knew. I thought I knew my husband good, bad, and ugly. I thought I knew myself. I thought that since we were already living together our life wouldn’t change much. I thought I knew what marriage would be like, but I had no idea. And 235 days in to it I still feel like I have no idea.
It turns out that marriage, for me, has been kind of like a sunburn (bear with me). I love the sun, I want to be in it all day. I know that I need to wear sunscreen but sometimes I am brazen and feel like I don’t need to be careful or protect myself from the sun. Sometimes I get so used to having my husband around, and expecting forgiveness at every turn I am brazen with him also. I say things I don’t mean, or do things without talking to him first. Because he loves me, so we can figure it out, right?
And then after too much time in the sun, it starts to wear you out. Marriage wears you with the best intentions. The love between you and your spouse is a blessing and a curse. It reveals all of the freckles you try to hide, the parts of you that aren’t so pretty. You can’t hide from your marriage. It will find you, it makes you deal with the things you have tried to hide, things that are painful, or feel too big to be fixed. Once the ugliness is out there, it is easy to feel defensive, feel like your head and your heart are too messed up to work on, like it is the other person’s fault for picking and peeling the sunburn until it is raw and painful. Marriage reveals it. And then there is no going back. You have to own it, figure out what IT is and then figure out how to not let it destroy you and your relationship. Instead, how to create a life and love that is richer for the flaws.
Even though what love has revealed isn’t pretty, it is amazing to be loved in a way that touches you on every level. It is real, and genuine, it touches your core and changes you. I get so frustrated when I feel like everyone’s marriage is happy and sunshine-y and we are the only ones still figuring it out. I am convinced that this is part of an act, and even though you’re smiling in all of the photos you post of you and your spouse, on the other side of the camera you are tearing each other down and creating yourselves again. I am convinced that every relationship is like this. We smile for the camera to show the world that we are still here, still working on it, still putting aloe on our partner’s sunburn.

First days of Summer

Over the weekend we took a trip to one of our favorite weekend getaway spots-camping at Lake Allatoona! You may remember that I got poison ivy there last year....
This weekend, we had friends tag along with us! Jody, Zoe, Allison and John made the trip to the boat. We had a blast on Saturday-swimming, tubing, playing with the dogs, floating and hitting the whiffle ball. It was also the summer solstice and a super moon! Summer is my jam, and you better believe I was pumped!! Everything was so wonderfully summer. Although packing up all of the food and gear and taking care of the boat after a weekend on it is a all a lot of work it makes me so happy. There is nothing better than sleeping under the stars on a summer night, hearing the bullfrogs and crickets, and waking up to a freckled nose from time in the sun. I enjoyed a glorious two and a half hour nap on Sunday and needed a LOT of coffee this morning to face the reality of Monday.
Another bonus to the weekend is that Allison and John introduced me to my new favorite band. Band? DJ might be a better word...damn I'm old... Anywho, its called The White Panda. It's all mashups and very similar to GirlTalk whom I LOVE. Mashups are the best running music-great beats and it switches so often you dont get bored.
I hammered out an awesome 3 mile run today after work to the sweet melodies of White Panda. Then I came home and whipped up a batch of chicken (and chicken less) enchiladas.
Even though I woke up dragging and mourning the loss of the weekend I still managed to show Monday what was up.
Bring it, Tuesday.

Owning it

We all have our quirks, and I've been noticing some of mine with more regularity and distinction lately.

I am obsessed with the pets. This is nothing new. I have been head over heels in love with Bode since the day I could't take him home. (A story for another post.) He is my in my soul, my calm place and my comfort. Stella is our Pretty Girl. She wasn't with us one day last week and it made the whole household feel off. She makes me smile and I love coming home to see her prancing around showing off her favorite frisbee in her mouth. Prim is our comic relief. She can barely jump up onto the bed, is missing half of her teeth, and falls asleep sitting up. She licks my tears away and lets me hold her like a baby. The pets make our house a home. Last night Michael agreed to let the cats sleep in our room (a treat that is usually reserved for Friday and Saturday nights) and I got so excited I made up a dance! I want nothing more than the 5 of us to be together. Always. To infinity and beyond.

I am obsessed with straws. I have one for my Nalgene bottle, my travel coffee cup, my smoothie cup, a special pink straw with yellow polka dots that I only use at my desk at work, a back up pack of straws in my desk drawer (heaven forbid I should go without) and a pack at home. I entered a blog giveaway last week to try to win a glass straw (Oooooh special!) to add to the obsession collection.

I am obsessed with my Nalgene bottle. My husband calls it my security blanket because I drag it ev.ery.where. with me. It is a hideous shade of neon yellow/green and all of the paint has rubbed off of it. It has acquired many accoutrements: the aforementioned straw, a blue splash guard, a carabiner with accompanying strap and clip, and a light blue scrap of felt tied onto the lid. I have had this water bottle for three years. I got it at a sleep over camp I worked at in Alabama where I met Michael. I have no plans to part with it anytime soon.

I am obsessed with cups-I have already mentioned several of them. A special(hideous)floral print travel coffee cup, special smoothie cup (with straw), Nalgene bottle, and a mason jar cup from Terrapin.

I love NPR. I listen to it every time I am in the car and look forward to catching my two favorite programs on Saturday morning; Wait Wait Don't Tell Me and Ask Me Another. I wanted to make a donation during their annual campaign not to fund the shows I listen to and love, but to get a tote bag that said I <3 NPR.

I love white noise. We have an app that we both have to sleep with every night and I turn the fan/space heater on under my desk at work for temprature regulation and also the white noise.

Im sure that there are others but these are the ones that come to mind first!

Sweet Nothing

Over the past 9 months I have been slowly nurturing a new relationship in my life. I wasn't so sure about it at first, and there were times where I thought it was too hard and wasn't sure I wanted to continue. But now, I can say with certainty that is a healthy relationship that I plan to continue for a long time. A relationship with what you ask? Spin class of course! Did I have you fooled?
I go to spin 2-4 times a week. And I've found as much as I love sweating, pushing myself on the bike, and the nice muscle tone spinning gives my legs, I love my instructor even more. Jessica is the.best. any anytime I take a class from someone else I leave majorly disappointed. In Jessica's classes the workouts are tough and the music is rockin. She lets us request songs to play during our workouts which is SO FUN. (Side note: I'm clearly showing my age here if I think requesting songs in a workout class is a blast.) Requests are awesome because people in the class have such a wide taste in music there is a lot of variety. Also, when MY song comes on I get really pumped up.
So, a couple of weeks ago I requested my new favorite song. I think it might have become one of Jessica's favorite songs too because it finds its way onto her playlists a lot. Jessica almost always ends her class in the same pattern, meaning the last three songs of the class usually go like this: a CLIMB, then a SPRINT and then finally the COOLDOWN. She likes to put my special request new favorite song (hang on, I'll tell you what it is in a minute) as the last sprint, and subsequently the last song, of the class.
Let me just say that the combination of getting to hear my song, wanting to sprint hard, and pushing myself for onemoresongohmygod kills me. It. Kills.Me.
And she did it again this morning. At 5:30am. And I almost puked. So, without further ado, I present THE song
Sweet Nothing By Calvin Harris, featuring Florence Welch from Florence and the Machine



Heaven help you if this ever comes on in your spin class. You have been warned.

Push

It's Tuesday, but man it feels like it should be later in the week! Yesterday my favorite toddler Dynamic Duo H and C had their first gymnastics class. The class is held in my building so I stuck around after work to watch them. H (who has become very attached to me) was super hesitant and nervous, she is the more reserved of the 2. C was jumping up and down, so excited to go out and play. H was unsure, she held my hand while we stood off to the side and watched the other kids stretch. She grew more and more interested and I could tell she wanted to go join the class but was intimidated. Finally, the coaches pulled out a stamp pad and every child who could do a "ta-da" (hands up overhead, standing up straight) could get a stamp. Well, you better believe H wanted a stamp after C got one. And she was off. It was so cute to watch them.
I know that as an adult being in a new, strange situation where things are out of your control can be intimidating. I can say that I often do not put myself into situations like that because it is uncomfortable. I like knowing what to expect and feeling confident that I can do what will be asked of me in any given situation, be it social or work related.
It's silly but watching H take in her new, overwhelming surroundings, muster up some courage, take a deep breath, and then jump in inspired me. She was brave, trusted that is would be a fun experience, put herself out of her comfort zone and challenged herself. When was the last time I did something like that?! Imagine how proud and accomplished I would feel if I forced myself out of my comfort zone. Sounds like just what the doctor ordered. So now, what should I do to push myself? Suggestions welcome.

Needless to say, today I am feeling more inspired than I was yesterday. It is worth mentioning that I exercised this morning, weight lifting session with Jody. Whether I like it or not exercise does positively affect my mood. I know that I'm not saying anything new there, but I often like to pretend that exercise doesn't affect my mood that much. I am quick to remind Michael that I fought my deepest depression when I was training for a half marathon and running regularly. Either way there is no denying my improved mood and brighter outlook today.
So, in an effort to keep my brain away from the dark and twisty places there is a 5:30am spin class on my calendar tomorrow. I will have to push myself to get there, it will be uncomfortable, it will be easier for me to roll over and go back to sleep (or stand on the sidelines like H did) but when its all said and done I will be proud of myself. And that feeling alone is worth setting the alarm at any hour for.

New Year

We've all heard the commercials and seen the ads for a "New year, New You" or whatever. But what happens when the clock strikes midnight and I don't feel any different. Instead of jumping on the fresh start with gusto I am wishing I had been turned into a pumpkin. I look back at my last post, it was cheery and optimistic, reading it now makes me feel like a faker.
I do not feel cheery or optimistic.
I do not feel strong or fit.
I do not feel driven or motivated.
I feel fat, stuck, purposeless, irritable, clumsy.
I think that one of the (many) keys to my happiness lies in being stimulated and challenged. When things are easy I get complacent, restless, and down on myself.

So what should I do to get out of this slump? Eat more fruits and veggies! Exercise! Sleep 8 hours a night! Cut back on alcohol!
Eh. I'm no fool. I could try to do all of those things, but they would all be abandoned in about 2 days and then I would be left feeling like even more of a lame-o brain-o.
Instead, I'm going to focus on having a happy, healthy, supportive relationship with Michael, write about how I'm really feeling, and set aside some time each week to address the demons in my head.

But there is still a part of me who wants to use the new year to turn over a new leaf, to sweat, eat whole foods, and love my body. I want to be the girl who is bouncy and fun, who laughs freely, loves her body and doesn't nit pick the shit out of my husband or ruin a good day with a sour puss that seems to be plastered on her face.
How do I do that? How is it possible that I can want to be someone so starkly different from the person that I actually am?

For now, I am going to try to be gentle with myself. I will remember this passage I read this morning: "Listen to the voice in the back of your head which tells you, as much out of sadness as anger, “You are ugly. You are stupid. You are boring.” Give it the fleeting moment of attention it so craves, and then remind it, “Even if that were true, I’d still be worth loving.”"

I will come around, after all the days are getting longer, and sunshine makes me feel so. much. better.

The Journey

Last Friday at a meeting I was trying to explain something and used the phrase, "It's about the journey, not the destination." A co-worker who was sitting across from me whispered "You mean, the journey IS the destination?" I said "Oh yeah, that's what I meant" but later I started thinking about it. To me, those 2 statements while strikingly similar are not the same.
The journey IS the destination really speaks to me. Its nothing new, its what Ferris Buller told us about stopping to look around once and awhile or John Lennon who said that life is what happens while we are busy making other plans, or my dad's advice to stop and smell the roses. But, it hit me.
I've been struggling lately with getting excited about daily life. I try to remind myself how powerful and refreshing it is to come into contact with someone who is all smiles, and a walking pep talk. I want to adopt more of that. It is not important to get bogged down in the traffic and dishes and other mundane details in life. Isn't it more enjoyable to get excited that its the very first Monday in December! And its 70 degrees and sunny! Lovely weather for walking my favorite canine companion! Because the dishes and traffic and Mondays, that's the journey. So I'm going to turn up the radio when I get caught at the red light and try to remember that the journey is awesome, if we let it be. It doesn't mean I have to become a fake cheerleader for all things dull and routine. But a smile and a gentle reminder that "the journey IS the destination" seem to be just what the doctor ordered.