Admire Your Own

The name of this blog is something that I've mentioned briefly in the past, but I think it is worth revisiting. I often remind Michael (and myself) that comparison is the thief of joy. To that end, I often try to redirect my thoughts when I find myself feeling envious of what others have, or feeling like what we have isn't enough.
1-2 years ago it seemed like all of my very close girlfriends were announcing pregnancies, I was genuinely excited for them and not one bit jealous. Michael and I were on a different path, he was living two hours away and going back to school full time, we were living on one income in two different households. Pregnancy was not on our minds, we were focused on learning to navigate the first year of marriage without living together, learning to prioritize communication because phone calls, text messages and Facetime were they only ways we got to connect some weeks. We knew we wanted children, but we weren't there yet.
If I may toot my own horn for a second, although long distance marriage was hard, and frustrating and sometimes sad, we rocked it. I mean seriously, our marriage is so much stronger and we are so much happier as a couple than we were before Michael moved. Living apart was great perspective, we put aside a lot of small stuff in the name of enjoying the little time we had together, we learned to communicate like champs because we had to, and we made some big, tough decisions as Team Butzen-not Lauren and Michael. I hope our season of long distance marriage is over, but I sure am grateful for it.
After we hit our stride and Michael was settling into the second (and final) year of nursing school in Augusta we decided we were ready to start thinking about growing our family. I stopped taking birth control in June of last year knowing that if I got pregnant at any point after that Michael would either be about to graduate or recently graduated. We were pumped! For 11 months I tracked my cycle and ovulation and we tried our best to make things happen despite living apart. According to my calculations, we missed our prime time window to conceive during 3 months (or less) of that entire 11 month time frame. I felt like we were doing everything right, hitting the right times, keeping track of everything on my end, but after a year nothing had happened.
We attended baby showers and one year old birthday parties for our friends and while it crushed me on the inside I kept reminding myself that we were on our own path, we had to admire the things that we did have-Michael graduated, we were living together, our time was coming, we just had to keep the faith.

The Truth Is

The truth is I am not going to be competing in the body building competition I was training for in March. The truth is I wasn’t really training much at all. There were a LOT of missed workouts, a lot of half assed workouts, and even more cheating on my diet.

The truth is I didn’t train for or run the Athhalf.

The truth is I weigh 25 pounds more than I did this time last year. My clothes are tight and unflattering and I feel self-conscious and terrible in my own skin.

The truth is I haven’t been taking very good care of myself. Too much wine every night of the week, lots of take out food, lots of skipped workouts replaced by hours on the couch with Netflix.

The truth is I’ve had enough. It is time to get my act together. I have a 7 mile “goal race” in February that I’m eyeing, I’m running 3 miles 3 days a week, I’m trying to walk more with Stella each day.

The truth is it is not enough. I have to stop drinking 8 days a week and stop justifying all the junk food.  I just feel so defeated, like I’ll never lose the weight and making little changes won’t add up to anything. I need to remind myself that is not the case. I’m just having a hard time staying motivated and on track. But I’ve seen the light, reached the tipping point, and am trying to get back on the horse. It is time to try harder.

Lessons Learned While Running

I want to pick back up with blogging. More specifically, I wan to blog about my runs, all of them. I thought that blogging about each run would be redundant, but really they are all so different. I’m sure I will fall off of this wagon (maybe sooner than later) but I am jumping on it now.

 I started running again in June, and running regularly (following a plan) in July. Since then I have learned a lot about my body and myself. It been amazing and transformative, and I know that sounds dramatic. I have run in the rain, and in the heat, before work, after work, on lunch breaks, in Augusta, Atlanta, Athens, Destin, and Panama City. I had a month of terrible runs where I wanted to quit and now I am running more than a minute per mile faster than I was in July.

 I am that cliché runner girl. I stretch at work, own compression socks and bribe myself to use the foam roller most nights a week with an episode of Parks and Rec. I think about my IT Band more than any human should. I think about running most nights before I fall asleep.  I have really been changed and motivated by this training cycle.

 The physical changes have been surprising and motivating. I have lost 8 pounds, my legs are more toned and my stomach is flatter. My clothes fit better but my jeans still fit, which is surprising (and a little disappointing) after losing almost 10 pounds. I attribute this weight loss to weight training, half marathon training, and self discipline, and calorie counting. But without the goal of the half marathon I would have lost focus and made excuses long ago.

But the real change has been the mental shift. I’ve written in the past about my commitment to being a Bright Side Bitch on runs and I have fought hard to stick to that. When I feel defeated on a run I make myself see how strong I’ve gotten, how far I’ve come, and think about why I’m not feeling great. Did I eat enough today? Am I dehydrated? Tired? Sore? I remind myself that having a bad run does not mean that running is bad and I think of ways to make my next run better-pack a snack, put new songs on the playlist, listen to a podcast instead of music, take a rest day, give my legs a break with a flatter route etc.

This mentality is not something that comes naturally to me. I have had to cultivate it with patience and practice, by addressing negative thoughts with positive ones without letting them beat me down. I am so proud of myself for creating this habit.

This week I order clothes online and received them in the mail. I bought colored skinny jeans and was nervous and excited to try them on, they would have been WAY out of my comfort zone in July. When I pulled them on I felt hot and awesome! I texted my sister, personal trainer, and Michael to share my happiness. After a few texts I sent Michael one that said “mostly it’s just nice to feel good about myself and more confident. The clothes are just a bonus.”

Running has given me confidence, a place to think intentionally and positively, it has made me feel more like myself, which is something I can’t quite put my finger on or explain but I hope to soon.

More than anything I want to keep up this momentum even after the race is over Sunday, I am really worried that it will wane. Here’s hoping that I can hold on to Runner Lauren, and Bright Side Bitch.

5 Mile Redemption Run

Michael moved to Augusta last Thursday and I went Friday night to spend the weekend getting him unpacked and ready for school. Saturday morning I had a 5 mile long run on the calendar. Before leaving I mapped out a route in the new neighborhood and made sure it was hilly, I know that the half marathon is going to be hilly and avoiding hills at this point won’t do me any favors. Friday night I drowned a bad day in too much wine, but tried to balance it with water knowing I had a morning run.
Saturday morning I woke up at 4:00 am freaking out about my run “I don’t have my hat, I could only find one bobby pin, it is supposed to rain, should I run in the rain? Will all that wine leave me too dehydrated? What if the route is too hilly…” and on and on to the point that I almost got up and went running then just so I could stop agonizing over it. I went back to sleep, woke up, put my gear on and was out the door at 6:56, I get up earlier to run on Saturdays then I do Monday-Friday for work.
In spite of all of the time I spent worrying about it, this was a great redemption run for me. The week before my Saturday 5 miles beat me down, this week I rocked it. The rain was spitting on me the whole way, so it was cool but humid as hell, it was hilly as crap, and I got lost on my new route. But, it didn't matter. I was a positive self-talk machine, or Bright Side Bitch as Val calls it. I alternated between ignoring the rain and reminding myself that is was cooling me off. I’d never run in rain before, I’d also never gone on a training run while out of town so staying committed to my training plan was a first. I didn't let not having all the gear I wanted, yucky weather, too much wine, or being in a new place stop me. It may seem small, or like a no brainer but Old Lauren would have used all, or even one of those facts as an excuse to blow off my run. Way to go new Lauren!
I got home stretched and wasn't even sore the next day. After this run and the previous 5 miler and felt pretty crappy the rest of the day-not my legs but more dizzy, nauseous stomach ache. I think it might be dehydration, something I will continue to figure out and work on.

Have you ever used positive self talk to motivate or push yourself? This is a new concept for me….

Push

It's Tuesday, but man it feels like it should be later in the week! Yesterday my favorite toddler Dynamic Duo H and C had their first gymnastics class. The class is held in my building so I stuck around after work to watch them. H (who has become very attached to me) was super hesitant and nervous, she is the more reserved of the 2. C was jumping up and down, so excited to go out and play. H was unsure, she held my hand while we stood off to the side and watched the other kids stretch. She grew more and more interested and I could tell she wanted to go join the class but was intimidated. Finally, the coaches pulled out a stamp pad and every child who could do a "ta-da" (hands up overhead, standing up straight) could get a stamp. Well, you better believe H wanted a stamp after C got one. And she was off. It was so cute to watch them.
I know that as an adult being in a new, strange situation where things are out of your control can be intimidating. I can say that I often do not put myself into situations like that because it is uncomfortable. I like knowing what to expect and feeling confident that I can do what will be asked of me in any given situation, be it social or work related.
It's silly but watching H take in her new, overwhelming surroundings, muster up some courage, take a deep breath, and then jump in inspired me. She was brave, trusted that is would be a fun experience, put herself out of her comfort zone and challenged herself. When was the last time I did something like that?! Imagine how proud and accomplished I would feel if I forced myself out of my comfort zone. Sounds like just what the doctor ordered. So now, what should I do to push myself? Suggestions welcome.

Needless to say, today I am feeling more inspired than I was yesterday. It is worth mentioning that I exercised this morning, weight lifting session with Jody. Whether I like it or not exercise does positively affect my mood. I know that I'm not saying anything new there, but I often like to pretend that exercise doesn't affect my mood that much. I am quick to remind Michael that I fought my deepest depression when I was training for a half marathon and running regularly. Either way there is no denying my improved mood and brighter outlook today.
So, in an effort to keep my brain away from the dark and twisty places there is a 5:30am spin class on my calendar tomorrow. I will have to push myself to get there, it will be uncomfortable, it will be easier for me to roll over and go back to sleep (or stand on the sidelines like H did) but when its all said and done I will be proud of myself. And that feeling alone is worth setting the alarm at any hour for.

New Year

We've all heard the commercials and seen the ads for a "New year, New You" or whatever. But what happens when the clock strikes midnight and I don't feel any different. Instead of jumping on the fresh start with gusto I am wishing I had been turned into a pumpkin. I look back at my last post, it was cheery and optimistic, reading it now makes me feel like a faker.
I do not feel cheery or optimistic.
I do not feel strong or fit.
I do not feel driven or motivated.
I feel fat, stuck, purposeless, irritable, clumsy.
I think that one of the (many) keys to my happiness lies in being stimulated and challenged. When things are easy I get complacent, restless, and down on myself.

So what should I do to get out of this slump? Eat more fruits and veggies! Exercise! Sleep 8 hours a night! Cut back on alcohol!
Eh. I'm no fool. I could try to do all of those things, but they would all be abandoned in about 2 days and then I would be left feeling like even more of a lame-o brain-o.
Instead, I'm going to focus on having a happy, healthy, supportive relationship with Michael, write about how I'm really feeling, and set aside some time each week to address the demons in my head.

But there is still a part of me who wants to use the new year to turn over a new leaf, to sweat, eat whole foods, and love my body. I want to be the girl who is bouncy and fun, who laughs freely, loves her body and doesn't nit pick the shit out of my husband or ruin a good day with a sour puss that seems to be plastered on her face.
How do I do that? How is it possible that I can want to be someone so starkly different from the person that I actually am?

For now, I am going to try to be gentle with myself. I will remember this passage I read this morning: "Listen to the voice in the back of your head which tells you, as much out of sadness as anger, “You are ugly. You are stupid. You are boring.” Give it the fleeting moment of attention it so craves, and then remind it, “Even if that were true, I’d still be worth loving.”"

I will come around, after all the days are getting longer, and sunshine makes me feel so. much. better.

The Journey

Last Friday at a meeting I was trying to explain something and used the phrase, "It's about the journey, not the destination." A co-worker who was sitting across from me whispered "You mean, the journey IS the destination?" I said "Oh yeah, that's what I meant" but later I started thinking about it. To me, those 2 statements while strikingly similar are not the same.
The journey IS the destination really speaks to me. Its nothing new, its what Ferris Buller told us about stopping to look around once and awhile or John Lennon who said that life is what happens while we are busy making other plans, or my dad's advice to stop and smell the roses. But, it hit me.
I've been struggling lately with getting excited about daily life. I try to remind myself how powerful and refreshing it is to come into contact with someone who is all smiles, and a walking pep talk. I want to adopt more of that. It is not important to get bogged down in the traffic and dishes and other mundane details in life. Isn't it more enjoyable to get excited that its the very first Monday in December! And its 70 degrees and sunny! Lovely weather for walking my favorite canine companion! Because the dishes and traffic and Mondays, that's the journey. So I'm going to turn up the radio when I get caught at the red light and try to remember that the journey is awesome, if we let it be. It doesn't mean I have to become a fake cheerleader for all things dull and routine. But a smile and a gentle reminder that "the journey IS the destination" seem to be just what the doctor ordered.

Do you have a favorite part on the day? Something you look forward to
while sitting at work? I have a couple
1. Watching Jeopardy at 7:30. Jeopardy at 7:30 has been part of my day
for a long time- it is part of my dad’s daily ritual and I have
adopted it also. This is something I take very seriously. Michael
knows –NOT TO TALK DUING JEOPARDY! I like to think that he is
impressed by my knowledge and skills.
2. I also look forward to coming home and walking the dog every
afternoon. This ritual is much less serious  One of the perks of our
neighborhood is the nice little walking path we have. It wanders
through couple of different neighborhoods and takes a lap around a
cute little pond. It is a nice, quiet, 15 minute walk and a good way
for me to relax. Stella is so cute when we go and bounds around,
chasing geese and sniffing everything she can.
I was so excited this spring when a goose laid eggs in a nest in plain
view right next to the pond. It was fun to see how many eggs were in
the nest each day at the beginning. Then we got to watch 2 geese (I
assume momma and daddy) take turns sitting on the nest and keeping
watch. They were a little a lot feisty if you got too close. And now
we have 2 flocks (not sure if that is the right word) of baby geese
that hang out at our pond. One flock is still in the cute, fuzzy
yellow phase.

The other is in a much less cute, awkward teenage phase

When we walk on a hot day Stella will swim out into the pond and chase
the geese. I don’t even try to stop here, those geese will be sure to
let her know when she is too close. So much honking and hissing, jeez.
What’s your favorite part of the day? Are you pro geese in your
neighborhood pond? Or anti because of the hissing and the poop?

Wanna know what?

It's Friday. I usually love Fridays, it is my favorite day of the week. A sweet combination of work and play. And, I always feel like there is a buzz in the air around the office, filled with the anticipation of the weekend. However, today, I am not feeling it. I hate to admit it but I am not feeling well and I’m actually not looking forward to the weekend.
I started felling yucky after work yesterday. Sore throat, headache, small appetite, tickly cough. But, I knew I was really in trouble when I went upstairs to bed at 9:30- a full hour earlier than normal. Thankfully I slept like a rock, much harder than normal, but still woke up feeling the yuck. I just popped a cough drop, uh-oh.
We are going camping this weekend, which is something I enjoy but always drag my feet when it comes to planning a trip. You should also know that I am a fair weather camper, so the fact that it is predicted to be 87 degrees tomorrow doesn’t thrill me. I feel like this weekend trip is just going to end up being a lot of work and not a lot of relaxation. We get off of work at 3:00 this afternoon and Michael wants to be on the road to Atlanta at 4:00. Keep in mind that we have not pulled any of the gear out of the attic, packed our stuff, the dog’s stuff or anything to eat. Yeah.

So, as much as I know I will enjoy making memories on a weekend trip with Michael and Stella, and as much as I will enjoy taking the boat out once we get there I am dreading getting to that point. Am I being selfish and lazy? Or is this really just not the best weekend for the trip? Either way, sounds like I am going to have to put on my big girl panties and enjoy the adventure.

How do you compromise with your significant other when he is excited about something and you really aren’t?