Admire Your Own

The name of this blog is something that I've mentioned briefly in the past, but I think it is worth revisiting. I often remind Michael (and myself) that comparison is the thief of joy. To that end, I often try to redirect my thoughts when I find myself feeling envious of what others have, or feeling like what we have isn't enough.
1-2 years ago it seemed like all of my very close girlfriends were announcing pregnancies, I was genuinely excited for them and not one bit jealous. Michael and I were on a different path, he was living two hours away and going back to school full time, we were living on one income in two different households. Pregnancy was not on our minds, we were focused on learning to navigate the first year of marriage without living together, learning to prioritize communication because phone calls, text messages and Facetime were they only ways we got to connect some weeks. We knew we wanted children, but we weren't there yet.
If I may toot my own horn for a second, although long distance marriage was hard, and frustrating and sometimes sad, we rocked it. I mean seriously, our marriage is so much stronger and we are so much happier as a couple than we were before Michael moved. Living apart was great perspective, we put aside a lot of small stuff in the name of enjoying the little time we had together, we learned to communicate like champs because we had to, and we made some big, tough decisions as Team Butzen-not Lauren and Michael. I hope our season of long distance marriage is over, but I sure am grateful for it.
After we hit our stride and Michael was settling into the second (and final) year of nursing school in Augusta we decided we were ready to start thinking about growing our family. I stopped taking birth control in June of last year knowing that if I got pregnant at any point after that Michael would either be about to graduate or recently graduated. We were pumped! For 11 months I tracked my cycle and ovulation and we tried our best to make things happen despite living apart. According to my calculations, we missed our prime time window to conceive during 3 months (or less) of that entire 11 month time frame. I felt like we were doing everything right, hitting the right times, keeping track of everything on my end, but after a year nothing had happened.
We attended baby showers and one year old birthday parties for our friends and while it crushed me on the inside I kept reminding myself that we were on our own path, we had to admire the things that we did have-Michael graduated, we were living together, our time was coming, we just had to keep the faith.

Perspective

Earlier this week I pulled up to my condo as my neighbor, let’s call her Cathy, was unloading her car. We exchanged pleasantries and she mention that she was just getting in from Gainesville. She teaches in Athens, her husband lives and works in Gainesville, so she lives here Monday-Thursday, much like our living arrangement. I told her that Michael moved to Augusta and so we were in the same boat for the next two years.  At that, Cathy smiled and said that she and her husband had been living like that for 15 years. Fif.teen. Years.

She shared some wise words, and I was comforted in the fact that 1. We were not alone (I already knew this, but it was nice to be reminded by someone who lives right next door) and 2. People make these things work for decades and are no worse for the wear, four semesters of school is a blip on the radar of our lifetime together (again, something I knew but felt good to be reminded of).

Cathy said that being apart is hard, so you have to “really make your time together special.” Yes, I agree. We do the best we can and often times Michael has to study but he is so good about cramming it in during the week so we can have a good chunk of uninterrupted time.

She also said she has made the weeknights time for herself. She said “I’m writing a lot” I replied, “yeah I’ve been running a lot.” And I have been, and it is making me happy. Not having Michael waiting for me at home means if I blow off a run it’s just another hour at home alone with the cats and Netflix, so I might as well get it in.

Thank goodness we aren’t planning on doing this long term and we see each other and chat all the time. I am constantly reminded of the people whose significant other’s are deployed, or far away. We are so fortunate.

5 Mile Redemption Run

Michael moved to Augusta last Thursday and I went Friday night to spend the weekend getting him unpacked and ready for school. Saturday morning I had a 5 mile long run on the calendar. Before leaving I mapped out a route in the new neighborhood and made sure it was hilly, I know that the half marathon is going to be hilly and avoiding hills at this point won’t do me any favors. Friday night I drowned a bad day in too much wine, but tried to balance it with water knowing I had a morning run.
Saturday morning I woke up at 4:00 am freaking out about my run “I don’t have my hat, I could only find one bobby pin, it is supposed to rain, should I run in the rain? Will all that wine leave me too dehydrated? What if the route is too hilly…” and on and on to the point that I almost got up and went running then just so I could stop agonizing over it. I went back to sleep, woke up, put my gear on and was out the door at 6:56, I get up earlier to run on Saturdays then I do Monday-Friday for work.
In spite of all of the time I spent worrying about it, this was a great redemption run for me. The week before my Saturday 5 miles beat me down, this week I rocked it. The rain was spitting on me the whole way, so it was cool but humid as hell, it was hilly as crap, and I got lost on my new route. But, it didn't matter. I was a positive self-talk machine, or Bright Side Bitch as Val calls it. I alternated between ignoring the rain and reminding myself that is was cooling me off. I’d never run in rain before, I’d also never gone on a training run while out of town so staying committed to my training plan was a first. I didn't let not having all the gear I wanted, yucky weather, too much wine, or being in a new place stop me. It may seem small, or like a no brainer but Old Lauren would have used all, or even one of those facts as an excuse to blow off my run. Way to go new Lauren!
I got home stretched and wasn't even sore the next day. After this run and the previous 5 miler and felt pretty crappy the rest of the day-not my legs but more dizzy, nauseous stomach ache. I think it might be dehydration, something I will continue to figure out and work on.

Have you ever used positive self talk to motivate or push yourself? This is a new concept for me….

Disgusta

This was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a while. I didn’t spend 90% of it in a quiet room watching Netflix with my headphones in not interacting with anyone, so it was an automatic win (I use Michael’s studying as a crutch to not have much of a social life of my own).

Friday I helped Val clean her rental house for new tenants moving in. It was sweaty work and to reward ourselves we went to dinner at Cali N Tito’s, it was awesome to sit outside on a summer night and have a drink and hang out with my best friend. From there we ventured downtown. I haven’t been downtown after 10:00pm in 100 years and I was wearing sweaty gross clothes and generally feeling very out of place. We had a super fun time and didn’t make it home until almost 3:00am, but I did manage to put off an awkward, I don’t know how to talk to people, we are both married and not 19 anymore vibe.               

7:15 came early and I was grateful that the hangover gods were kind to me. I worked until 12:30 and met Michael and his family for lunch at Big City Bread and he brought Stella! I love when she can go everywhere with us. A delicious fried egg sammy was inhaled and I got to catch up with my in laws. From there we boogied West to Augusta to check out the apartment that Michael is going to be living in. The apartment is beautiful and I am going to be spending a lot of time at the pool.

On Sunday we hit the town to explore and see the campus. Every time I have mentioned that Michael is moving to Augusta for nursing school I get a lot of “oh, DISgusta” but I’d checked it out online and knew they had a downtown area, and it was on the water, a lot of medical students, the Masters etc. etc. and I was hoping to get there and drive around and think “see, it’s not that bad!” But that was not the case. It was disgusting. Run down and dirty and not well maintained. It looked unloved and abandoned and I am thoroughly confused as to why. We will do some more exploring and make the best of it when I visit, but the reality is that we have been spoiled by Athens. Oh, good ole Athens.