Admire Your Own

The name of this blog is something that I've mentioned briefly in the past, but I think it is worth revisiting. I often remind Michael (and myself) that comparison is the thief of joy. To that end, I often try to redirect my thoughts when I find myself feeling envious of what others have, or feeling like what we have isn't enough.
1-2 years ago it seemed like all of my very close girlfriends were announcing pregnancies, I was genuinely excited for them and not one bit jealous. Michael and I were on a different path, he was living two hours away and going back to school full time, we were living on one income in two different households. Pregnancy was not on our minds, we were focused on learning to navigate the first year of marriage without living together, learning to prioritize communication because phone calls, text messages and Facetime were they only ways we got to connect some weeks. We knew we wanted children, but we weren't there yet.
If I may toot my own horn for a second, although long distance marriage was hard, and frustrating and sometimes sad, we rocked it. I mean seriously, our marriage is so much stronger and we are so much happier as a couple than we were before Michael moved. Living apart was great perspective, we put aside a lot of small stuff in the name of enjoying the little time we had together, we learned to communicate like champs because we had to, and we made some big, tough decisions as Team Butzen-not Lauren and Michael. I hope our season of long distance marriage is over, but I sure am grateful for it.
After we hit our stride and Michael was settling into the second (and final) year of nursing school in Augusta we decided we were ready to start thinking about growing our family. I stopped taking birth control in June of last year knowing that if I got pregnant at any point after that Michael would either be about to graduate or recently graduated. We were pumped! For 11 months I tracked my cycle and ovulation and we tried our best to make things happen despite living apart. According to my calculations, we missed our prime time window to conceive during 3 months (or less) of that entire 11 month time frame. I felt like we were doing everything right, hitting the right times, keeping track of everything on my end, but after a year nothing had happened.
We attended baby showers and one year old birthday parties for our friends and while it crushed me on the inside I kept reminding myself that we were on our own path, we had to admire the things that we did have-Michael graduated, we were living together, our time was coming, we just had to keep the faith.

The Last Four Daily Non-Negotiables

In an effort to avoid creating one way too long blog entry, I have broken this list in to two. Here are my last four things I do every day or close to it to keep me happy.

5. Set Myself Up for Success Tomorrow

To be fair, this is partially because I am lazy, and love to sleep as long as possible in the morning. It is also because if I don’t prep for tomorrow today I know that I will be making some questionable food and exercise choices. Every weeknight I make my breakfast and coffee, pack my lunch, un pack and re pack my gym bag, and pick out my clothes for tomorrow. This way there is minimal thinking and time required in the morning and I know I have everything I need to have a healthy day. One weekend nights I will often prep everything for coffee the night before to make things quick and easy in the morning.

6. Read

Whether it is blog posts or books I feel more centered when I take some time to read for pleasure each day. Sometimes in the morning, at my desk, with my coffee, I click through some of my favorite blogs. Other days I read a chapter or two at night before bed. Reading is a simple, quiet, hobby I love. Michael and I also read to each other. We are currently reading Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone, with hopes of reading the whole series, but it is slow going since our time together is limited.

7. Enjoy the Pets

We have two cats and a dog who are incredibly snuggly and sweet. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I get to live with these loving, cuddly, adoring animals and I should take more advantage of that. Calling the cats out of their hiding places and scratching their bellies makes their day and mine. Playing fetch and walking Stella are treats, not chores. Loving on them makes me happy and I always think about how therapy dogs and cats must help lift the spirits of the sick or elderly so much. I am young and healthy and it can totally change my mood.

8. Spend Time With Michael

On days when he is working a long shift and I am on the soccer field late it is easy to miss each other’s calls or have short conversations that aren’t very whole hearted or meaningful. I try to send him a sweet text, remember to have a longer conversation even when I am ready to get off of the phone, or leave him a voicemail. He is my gravity, he keeps me sane and centered, and even though spending time together is tricky when we are apart it is still so important to our hearts, minds, and marriage.

                                                         

Four of My Daily Non-Negoatiables

In an effort to clean up my act and get back in a routine of healthy eating and exercise I have been putting some thoughts into what things I do every day that helps keep The Lauren Brain ticking. I came up with six daily non-negotiables, things I do every day without thinking, I rarely skip them and regret it when I do. In no particular order…

1.  Be positive and spend time with positive people

This time last year I had really embraced my inner Bright Side Bitch and was putting a lot of effort in to reframing negative thoughts with positive ones. I still do this, but a reminder to keep positivity on the front burner never hurts. Additionally, I try to give a wide berth to negative or dramatic people and situations. I have a co-worker who gets so bent out of shape when schedules do not go as planned, details slip through the cracks, and things are not as organized as they could be. Don’t get me wrong, I think those things are irritating, but we work in a small, poorly managed, division of local government, and we work with a lot of strong personalities. I try to keep my head down and let all of the irritation roll off of my back. It is small potatoes. I come to work, get the things I can control done, get my lunchtime run on, get out the door at 5:00pm. Getting wrapped up in negative thinking and chatter is not something I devote any thought or energy to.

2.  Saying “No” to Stress

I also try to focus on the things I can control. Anger and negativity are no fun to be in or around. A couple of weeks ago my hard drive at work crashed and I lost everything I’d done professionally for the last 3 years. Frustrating-yes. Out of my control-yes. (Well, sort of, I’m not so bright for not backing anything up, but that ship has sailed). Small potatoes-also yes.

3.Morning Coffee

Morning coffee is the warm (or cold, depending on the season) treat that I look forward to each day. I love the ritual of making and drinking coffee on the weekends, I love choosing my favorite real or travel mug to use for the day. And I love what I think is pretty much a placebo affect from sipping it. (I know coffee is caffeine and caffeine gives you that get up and go feeling, but when I miss a day I don’t get a headache, so it is safe to say I don’t neeeeed coffee as much as I like it).

4.Move-it Move-it

Whether it is taking Stella to the park or on a walk, Running Club, lifting or a hike I feel so much better when I intentionally move during the day. Insanely better, happier, less staby, more grateful the list goes on. Movement makes me a better Lauren. Running specifically makes me a much better Lauren, Bishop Park Running Club is helping me get back on that horse.

Crazy Kid

A friend at work asked me today when Michael was leaving and I told her two weeks from Friday. But I was wrong. He is leaving one week from Friday. That was a hard pill to swallow. I am sad, and find myself missing him already which isn’t helpful but is how I’m feeling. We aren’t spending much quality time together so it’s easy slip into missing someone even when they are sleeping right next to you.

I found a blog that I really like called 40 Days of Dating, it is about 2 friends who date for 40 days and follow certain agreed upon dating rules and blog about it. The 40 days began in March and I got all caught up on reading it last night and freaked out. The blog ended on day 26 or something and I was hooked and wanted to know what happened but couldn’t figure out why they would stop blogging about the project without warning so close to its completion. I even did two Google searches to find out why there was no Day 27-40. Turns out I didn’t read the “About” section closely enough….The couple is releasing one blog entry a day starting July 10, so I am caught up and day 27 will be posted tomorrow. Crisis averted. Sheesh. #nerdalert

After much debate Valerie has confirmed that she wants her bachelorette party at PCB. Hooray!! (I have to practice screaming “Bachelorette WHOOO” in place of “Spring Break WHOOO”) although my body is not hottie I am looking forward to the beach. And I should not mention that I am sad because it means right off the bat I will have to go two weeks without seeing Michael. Nope, not going to mention it.

Plan for tonight:

Leave work, walk to car, put bag in there and DO NOT GET IN (that is the important/hard part)

Put headphones in, resist temptation to get into car, walk away from car

Run 3 miles

Allow self to get into car (finally, jeez)

Drive home, shower change, meet friend for dinner!

This is a big deal for a lot of reasons. 1. I haven’t seen this friend in at least 8 years, possibly more and I’m not really the reconnecting type. 2. I have to go home and then leave again, I do NOT like to leave my house once I get there (I’m a hobbit). 3. Socializing on a week night whooo! Crazy lady over here!

I will probably have to listen to my pump up song a lot to convince myself to run and socialize. What can I say, I’m a wild one.

Be careful what you wish for

I like blogging, but often feel uninspired, or directionless. I flip flop between “no one is reading, whats the point” and “I don’t want anyone to read anyway, its really just for me” or “am I writing about life? Or exercise? Or what?”

I blogged about my high hopes for the Third of July and it rained and was a bummer. And then I lost steam. And life got complicated. Really, really complicated. I have debated about writing about it because I do not want to compromise my personal security, but I figure everyone who reads already knows what’s going on and also my address, so if they want to sneak into my house and rob/hurt me while my husband and dog are living 2 hours away they already have the means to do so.

My husband is a dreamer. We even read a quote about dreamers and realists at our wedding. Since we met 3+ years ago he has had a lot of big dreams for his career and our family. He has dreamed of moving out west, or becoming a medic, and toyed with the idea of joining the military. A little over a year ago we stumbled upon the idea of nursing. He is a great people person, fantastic under pressure, and nursing has a lot of different specialties and venues for practice which is good for his tendency to get bored once he has accomplished a challenge.

 He decided to apply to a satellite nursing campus in Athens for a school that was located in Augusta. In May we found out that he was waitlisted and would not know if he got a spot in the program until June. In the meantime, he was told to take Statistics and Microbiology to fulfill the prerequisite requirements. This was super frustrating because he was taking demanding classes for a program he might not get in to, and had to drop several clients at work to make time for class. The classes also required a significant amount of devoted, quiet, study time with internet access for homework and quizzes over the weekend. This meant no lake trips, camping trips, or any travel at all really this summer. But, it would all be worth it if it meant he could get in to nursing school. Unfortunately, the end of June came and the phone call didn't.

To say we were bummed would be an understatement. We had 2 weeks of searching for what he wanted to do, coming up with and weighing options, and generally feeling lost. Then, on Wednesday, July 17^th the call came. He was offered a spot off of the waiting list and into the nursing program! ….At the Augusta campus. The good news we’d been hoping for finally came, with strings attached.

A penny saved is...not worth it sometimes

In my last post I mentioned that I bought 2 tops and 2 pairs of shorts for running from Wal-Mart. It is worth mentioning that my husband and I like to cut corners when we can to save money. We don't have cable, we didn't turn our heat on last Winter, and we use the same coffee grounds and filters for a week before changing them (NOT. ew. so sick.). Anywho, I saw some dry fit shorts for $7.48 and tops for $5.48 at Walmart and though I'd give em a whirl (name that movie).
Guess what friends....you get what you pay for. I was really excited about these shorts because they are a cute color of course but also because they are spandex-y unlike my other running shorts. Meaning they will stay put, I wont have to pull them down every third stride and I wont chafe. After one 3.5 mile run I can say that all of those facts are true. However, the dry fit or wicking material did NOT stand up to the sweat test.

You're welcome for the awkward crotch shot. Please keep in mind that this was not a long run and it was not a sweaty run, it was only 74 degrees out. Please also keep in mind that I did NOT pee my pants.

Now, on to the shirt. Admittedly I bought a size small when I meant to buy a medium, but I did not realize that until after I used scissors to solve the problem. I spent most of my run pulling down the neck of my shirt in an attempt to stretch it/swallow successfully. The neck of this shirt was way, way too tight and small. I needed a bigger size and never would have purposefully bought a small. But maybe I also need to wear a v-neck/scoop neck when I'm exercising to prevent claustrophobia. But I'd already ripped off the tags and sweated in the shirt, so it wasn't going back to the store. I took matters into my own hands and cut the neck of the shirt. Naturally.

I learned about cutting up my own clothes from my friend Valerie.

Yes, that was the brightest colored outfit I've ever worn in my life. And yes, I learned my lesson about buying cheap running gear. But that does not mean you will ever see me shell out $80 for a shirt I will be sweating in cough, cough Lululemon...

SPF Infinity

I have been married for 235 days. I have found that when you are engaged and newly married people like to offer a lot of words of wisdom about marriage. You know, “never go to bed angry” and “marriage is work” or “marriage is a choice you have to make every day.” And then there are those couples who are deliriously happy because they married their perfect match, or because they “work on their happiness every day.”
My words of wisdom can be summed up using the tag line from an old MTV show, “you think you know, but you have no idea.” I thought I knew. I thought I knew my husband good, bad, and ugly. I thought I knew myself. I thought that since we were already living together our life wouldn’t change much. I thought I knew what marriage would be like, but I had no idea. And 235 days in to it I still feel like I have no idea.
It turns out that marriage, for me, has been kind of like a sunburn (bear with me). I love the sun, I want to be in it all day. I know that I need to wear sunscreen but sometimes I am brazen and feel like I don’t need to be careful or protect myself from the sun. Sometimes I get so used to having my husband around, and expecting forgiveness at every turn I am brazen with him also. I say things I don’t mean, or do things without talking to him first. Because he loves me, so we can figure it out, right?
And then after too much time in the sun, it starts to wear you out. Marriage wears you with the best intentions. The love between you and your spouse is a blessing and a curse. It reveals all of the freckles you try to hide, the parts of you that aren’t so pretty. You can’t hide from your marriage. It will find you, it makes you deal with the things you have tried to hide, things that are painful, or feel too big to be fixed. Once the ugliness is out there, it is easy to feel defensive, feel like your head and your heart are too messed up to work on, like it is the other person’s fault for picking and peeling the sunburn until it is raw and painful. Marriage reveals it. And then there is no going back. You have to own it, figure out what IT is and then figure out how to not let it destroy you and your relationship. Instead, how to create a life and love that is richer for the flaws.
Even though what love has revealed isn’t pretty, it is amazing to be loved in a way that touches you on every level. It is real, and genuine, it touches your core and changes you. I get so frustrated when I feel like everyone’s marriage is happy and sunshine-y and we are the only ones still figuring it out. I am convinced that this is part of an act, and even though you’re smiling in all of the photos you post of you and your spouse, on the other side of the camera you are tearing each other down and creating yourselves again. I am convinced that every relationship is like this. We smile for the camera to show the world that we are still here, still working on it, still putting aloe on our partner’s sunburn.

Owning it

We all have our quirks, and I've been noticing some of mine with more regularity and distinction lately.

I am obsessed with the pets. This is nothing new. I have been head over heels in love with Bode since the day I could't take him home. (A story for another post.) He is my in my soul, my calm place and my comfort. Stella is our Pretty Girl. She wasn't with us one day last week and it made the whole household feel off. She makes me smile and I love coming home to see her prancing around showing off her favorite frisbee in her mouth. Prim is our comic relief. She can barely jump up onto the bed, is missing half of her teeth, and falls asleep sitting up. She licks my tears away and lets me hold her like a baby. The pets make our house a home. Last night Michael agreed to let the cats sleep in our room (a treat that is usually reserved for Friday and Saturday nights) and I got so excited I made up a dance! I want nothing more than the 5 of us to be together. Always. To infinity and beyond.

I am obsessed with straws. I have one for my Nalgene bottle, my travel coffee cup, my smoothie cup, a special pink straw with yellow polka dots that I only use at my desk at work, a back up pack of straws in my desk drawer (heaven forbid I should go without) and a pack at home. I entered a blog giveaway last week to try to win a glass straw (Oooooh special!) to add to the obsession collection.

I am obsessed with my Nalgene bottle. My husband calls it my security blanket because I drag it ev.ery.where. with me. It is a hideous shade of neon yellow/green and all of the paint has rubbed off of it. It has acquired many accoutrements: the aforementioned straw, a blue splash guard, a carabiner with accompanying strap and clip, and a light blue scrap of felt tied onto the lid. I have had this water bottle for three years. I got it at a sleep over camp I worked at in Alabama where I met Michael. I have no plans to part with it anytime soon.

I am obsessed with cups-I have already mentioned several of them. A special(hideous)floral print travel coffee cup, special smoothie cup (with straw), Nalgene bottle, and a mason jar cup from Terrapin.

I love NPR. I listen to it every time I am in the car and look forward to catching my two favorite programs on Saturday morning; Wait Wait Don't Tell Me and Ask Me Another. I wanted to make a donation during their annual campaign not to fund the shows I listen to and love, but to get a tote bag that said I <3 NPR.

I love white noise. We have an app that we both have to sleep with every night and I turn the fan/space heater on under my desk at work for temprature regulation and also the white noise.

Im sure that there are others but these are the ones that come to mind first!

You Wont Like Me When Im ITCHY

So, an update on my lady parts is in order (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.) Here is the breakdown
Sunday Night- EXTREME ITCHING, POISON IVY (PI) EDITION
Monday- MORE ITCHING I stupidly went to my lunchtime spin class. Let’s put that on the list of stubborn and dumb things I’ve done. I was highly anticipating some relief from my 2:00pm doctor’s appointment. At the doctor’s office they gave me a steroid shot of depomedrol. I thanked the nurse and she said she’d never been thanked for a shot before. But, I was in bad shape and anticipating that the shot would bring relief.

They also wrote me a prescription for 6 days of prednisone (another steroid) on a step down program- 60mg the first day, 50mg the second day and so on. Finally, the doctor told to take a Benadryl to sleep so I wouldn't itch in the night. I went back to work after my appointment and was so itchy and miserable I went home early. That night I took the Benadryl, went to bed and woke myself up THREE TIMES itching! Thanks for nothing depomedrol.
Tuesday- I woke up and took 60 mg of prednisone and Oh. Sweet. Relief. I felt better within an hour!

Wednesday- I’m on the mend! Itching down to almost nothing and I haven’t turned into the Hulk from all of the steroids…yet.
I think the worst of it is behind us, Michael found a spot of PI on his ankle, so we are still playing it safe. So that’s that. Three cheers for Prednisone- Hip Hip Hooray!

Have you ever had a rash or injury in a delicate place? Were you too embarrassed to tell people, or did you let them in on the secret?

More than you wanted to know

We went camping and it was a wonderful weekend! I always moan and complain about going but once we get there I always love the trip. We stayed at Victoria Campground at Lake Allatoona, which is right across the street from where the Butzens store their boat. Score! Our campsite ended up being RIGHT next to a campsite with about 25 nine year old boy scouts. They were up talking about farts and Star Wars until after midnight and at it again at 6:00am Saturday morning. Way to mind your manners boy scouts- not!
Saturday we were on the boat allllll day and it was lovely, the weather was perfect. We parked at a little beach and hung out for a while and Stella loved running up and down, chomping at the waves and swimming in the lake to fetch a ball. It was a wonderful camping weekend, complete with a smore for breakfast on Sunday!
It WAS wonderful until on Sunday when I start to feel itchy… down there…. I thought maybe it was from hanging around in a wet bathing suit. Until I saw the rash on my thighs. And realized I. had. Poison. Ivy. It is on my inner thighs, on/in/around my lady parts and on/in/around my bottom. So itchy. SO uncomfortable. So awful. I went to the doctor this afternoon and got a shot of steroids and hopefully I will feel better in the morning. And next time, I will be sure to more careful, MUCH more careful.