New Year

We've all heard the commercials and seen the ads for a "New year, New You" or whatever. But what happens when the clock strikes midnight and I don't feel any different. Instead of jumping on the fresh start with gusto I am wishing I had been turned into a pumpkin. I look back at my last post, it was cheery and optimistic, reading it now makes me feel like a faker.
I do not feel cheery or optimistic.
I do not feel strong or fit.
I do not feel driven or motivated.
I feel fat, stuck, purposeless, irritable, clumsy.
I think that one of the (many) keys to my happiness lies in being stimulated and challenged. When things are easy I get complacent, restless, and down on myself.

So what should I do to get out of this slump? Eat more fruits and veggies! Exercise! Sleep 8 hours a night! Cut back on alcohol!
Eh. I'm no fool. I could try to do all of those things, but they would all be abandoned in about 2 days and then I would be left feeling like even more of a lame-o brain-o.
Instead, I'm going to focus on having a happy, healthy, supportive relationship with Michael, write about how I'm really feeling, and set aside some time each week to address the demons in my head.

But there is still a part of me who wants to use the new year to turn over a new leaf, to sweat, eat whole foods, and love my body. I want to be the girl who is bouncy and fun, who laughs freely, loves her body and doesn't nit pick the shit out of my husband or ruin a good day with a sour puss that seems to be plastered on her face.
How do I do that? How is it possible that I can want to be someone so starkly different from the person that I actually am?

For now, I am going to try to be gentle with myself. I will remember this passage I read this morning: "Listen to the voice in the back of your head which tells you, as much out of sadness as anger, “You are ugly. You are stupid. You are boring.” Give it the fleeting moment of attention it so craves, and then remind it, “Even if that were true, I’d still be worth loving.”"

I will come around, after all the days are getting longer, and sunshine makes me feel so. much. better.