Lessons Learned While Running

I want to pick back up with blogging. More specifically, I wan to blog about my runs, all of them. I thought that blogging about each run would be redundant, but really they are all so different. I’m sure I will fall off of this wagon (maybe sooner than later) but I am jumping on it now.

 I started running again in June, and running regularly (following a plan) in July. Since then I have learned a lot about my body and myself. It been amazing and transformative, and I know that sounds dramatic. I have run in the rain, and in the heat, before work, after work, on lunch breaks, in Augusta, Atlanta, Athens, Destin, and Panama City. I had a month of terrible runs where I wanted to quit and now I am running more than a minute per mile faster than I was in July.

 I am that cliché runner girl. I stretch at work, own compression socks and bribe myself to use the foam roller most nights a week with an episode of Parks and Rec. I think about my IT Band more than any human should. I think about running most nights before I fall asleep.  I have really been changed and motivated by this training cycle.

 The physical changes have been surprising and motivating. I have lost 8 pounds, my legs are more toned and my stomach is flatter. My clothes fit better but my jeans still fit, which is surprising (and a little disappointing) after losing almost 10 pounds. I attribute this weight loss to weight training, half marathon training, and self discipline, and calorie counting. But without the goal of the half marathon I would have lost focus and made excuses long ago.

But the real change has been the mental shift. I’ve written in the past about my commitment to being a Bright Side Bitch on runs and I have fought hard to stick to that. When I feel defeated on a run I make myself see how strong I’ve gotten, how far I’ve come, and think about why I’m not feeling great. Did I eat enough today? Am I dehydrated? Tired? Sore? I remind myself that having a bad run does not mean that running is bad and I think of ways to make my next run better-pack a snack, put new songs on the playlist, listen to a podcast instead of music, take a rest day, give my legs a break with a flatter route etc.

This mentality is not something that comes naturally to me. I have had to cultivate it with patience and practice, by addressing negative thoughts with positive ones without letting them beat me down. I am so proud of myself for creating this habit.

This week I order clothes online and received them in the mail. I bought colored skinny jeans and was nervous and excited to try them on, they would have been WAY out of my comfort zone in July. When I pulled them on I felt hot and awesome! I texted my sister, personal trainer, and Michael to share my happiness. After a few texts I sent Michael one that said “mostly it’s just nice to feel good about myself and more confident. The clothes are just a bonus.”

Running has given me confidence, a place to think intentionally and positively, it has made me feel more like myself, which is something I can’t quite put my finger on or explain but I hope to soon.

More than anything I want to keep up this momentum even after the race is over Sunday, I am really worried that it will wane. Here’s hoping that I can hold on to Runner Lauren, and Bright Side Bitch.

AthHalf Training-No More Wine-ing

Half marathon training has resulted in me scaling back my drinking in a drastic way. This time last year I was putting away a bottle of wine on a weeknight like it was nothing. It was embarrassing and over indulgent. I didn’t want to consume the calories, or have to defend my third glass of wine to my husband on a Tuesday, or wake up not feeling my best but night after night I found myself pouring more wine because “why not?” because “it will feel good” because “I will fall asleep easier.” I started to wonder if I need to reevaluate my relationship with alcohol, but avoided doing so because I didn’t want to deal with the possibility that I might need to drastically scale back or cut it out completely.

 It turns out I just needed time, and long term goals that were attainable and important to me. No one asked me to change my relationship with alcohol, I didn’t even ask myself. I also knew that if I did it for someone else (Michael) or made up some arbitrary rule I wouldn’t stick with it. The shift occurred naturally.

I am a sweater. I sweat easily and a lot. I am also a very salty sweater. If my shirt and shorts dry after a run they will be white from salty sweat. My face often has salty white marks on it after a run. That being said, I dehydrate easily. Thankfully, I love water and prioritize drinking it throughout the day. My goal each day is to drink 5 Nalgenes (about a gallon). Being naturally thirsty and adding more miles each week made staying on top of hydration something I had to learn to do. Sometimes I would get behind and end up with a dreaded headache. Adding alcohol to that mix never sounded tempting once I started upping my mileage.

 Friday night is usually a time where I would relax with a couple of drinks, but again, with a long run staring me in the face Saturday morning, drinking more than one drink or at all on Friday became less and less appealing. I still drink on occasion, but the 3 crippling hangovers I’ve had since July have been reminders enough that it is just NOT worth it. I can’t seem to have more than 2 drinks and not be hungover any more. And so I realized, I have no reason to have more than 2 drinks.

I have other bigger, better things going on than a bottle of wine and crying over Greys Anatomy. I want to conquer more miles, feel strong and confident on runs, and give myself the satisfaction that comes with completing a solo long run on a Saturday morning. I also like the way I look in the mirror more and more, and I think the 8 pounds I’ve dropped can be contributed largely to eating real, whole food and cutting out a couple of bottles of wine a week. Yikes.

Cheers!

Perspective

Earlier this week I pulled up to my condo as my neighbor, let’s call her Cathy, was unloading her car. We exchanged pleasantries and she mention that she was just getting in from Gainesville. She teaches in Athens, her husband lives and works in Gainesville, so she lives here Monday-Thursday, much like our living arrangement. I told her that Michael moved to Augusta and so we were in the same boat for the next two years.  At that, Cathy smiled and said that she and her husband had been living like that for 15 years. Fif.teen. Years.

She shared some wise words, and I was comforted in the fact that 1. We were not alone (I already knew this, but it was nice to be reminded by someone who lives right next door) and 2. People make these things work for decades and are no worse for the wear, four semesters of school is a blip on the radar of our lifetime together (again, something I knew but felt good to be reminded of).

Cathy said that being apart is hard, so you have to “really make your time together special.” Yes, I agree. We do the best we can and often times Michael has to study but he is so good about cramming it in during the week so we can have a good chunk of uninterrupted time.

She also said she has made the weeknights time for herself. She said “I’m writing a lot” I replied, “yeah I’ve been running a lot.” And I have been, and it is making me happy. Not having Michael waiting for me at home means if I blow off a run it’s just another hour at home alone with the cats and Netflix, so I might as well get it in.

Thank goodness we aren’t planning on doing this long term and we see each other and chat all the time. I am constantly reminded of the people whose significant other’s are deployed, or far away. We are so fortunate.

Bright Side Bitch

I have a confession to make: I am a recovering Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer. Nancy and Debbie used to be my favorite alter egos. I was your go to girl for bashing ideas, shooting down plans, poking holes in suggestions, and bad mouthing people, events, and things in general.

I've mentioned before that getting married is like holding a big mirror up in front of your flaws. This is a huge one for me, I honestly didn't realize how bad it was or how miserable it is to be around.

I think that the recent desire to let go of Nancy and Debbie is coming from a few places. First, realizing that I was doing it at all. This means taking the time to hear the words coming out of my mouth time and time again. Second, recognizing how much I enjoyed and looked forward to being around happy, positive people- I don't have to wait to be around happy, positive people, I can be one myself! And finally, figuring out that negativity is a miserable, contagious, consuming poison.
We all hear the trite motivational sayings about how "attitude is everything" or "the power of positive thinking" and I have always brushed the sayings off as cliche, insignificant and void of any real motivation, and sometimes I still do. The other day a blog I read asked readers to share their favorite running mantra in the comments, I read them hoping to find something that I could remind myself of on my runs, but I found myself rolling my eyes at a lot of them.
"You can do this"
"You are strong"
"Better, Faster, Stronger"
Reading them in black and white feels cheap, hokey, and silly, but I have to admit that I have chanted "You are awesome" to myself while running up a hill at the end of a run and reminded myself that I was strong enough to finish another mile or so when I was hurting. It seems that part of the battle for me is admitting that it might feel lame but it also might work.
When I started half marathon training I put a shout out on Facebook looking for a training partner and wrote that I would be a "really fun running buddy" even though I felt like a faker as I typed it. I am not fun when I am running. So I decided to make 2 promises to myself. One: be a fun, positive training partner, just like I promised. And two: no negative self talks on runs. I can't tell you how many runs I have gone on in the past where the mantra in my head was 30 minutes of "This.Sucks.This.Sucks.This.Sucks."

Since I made those promises and started training in June I have not let myself think like that. Sometimes it does suck, but I don't dwell on it. I focus on my music, ask myself questions as an attempt at distraction, and repeat mantras. And as a result I am happier. At the end of my run on Saturday I found myself recapping all the reasons that run was special-what a change!
I have also tried to be more positive in conversation and more laid back about things I may disagree with. And I know it is working because it is slowly becoming more natural to react positively. I got lost on my run Saturday and just thought "okay! adventure time!" And when I am around negative people I find myself thinking "damn, your negativity is exhausting" when in the past I would have chimed in.
When I focus on being positive I have more fun, laugh more, enjoy my day more, and Michael and I get a long better.
Valerie calls it being a Bright Side Bitch and I like that bitch a lot more than Nancy and Debbie.

5 Mile Redemption Run

Michael moved to Augusta last Thursday and I went Friday night to spend the weekend getting him unpacked and ready for school. Saturday morning I had a 5 mile long run on the calendar. Before leaving I mapped out a route in the new neighborhood and made sure it was hilly, I know that the half marathon is going to be hilly and avoiding hills at this point won’t do me any favors. Friday night I drowned a bad day in too much wine, but tried to balance it with water knowing I had a morning run.
Saturday morning I woke up at 4:00 am freaking out about my run “I don’t have my hat, I could only find one bobby pin, it is supposed to rain, should I run in the rain? Will all that wine leave me too dehydrated? What if the route is too hilly…” and on and on to the point that I almost got up and went running then just so I could stop agonizing over it. I went back to sleep, woke up, put my gear on and was out the door at 6:56, I get up earlier to run on Saturdays then I do Monday-Friday for work.
In spite of all of the time I spent worrying about it, this was a great redemption run for me. The week before my Saturday 5 miles beat me down, this week I rocked it. The rain was spitting on me the whole way, so it was cool but humid as hell, it was hilly as crap, and I got lost on my new route. But, it didn't matter. I was a positive self-talk machine, or Bright Side Bitch as Val calls it. I alternated between ignoring the rain and reminding myself that is was cooling me off. I’d never run in rain before, I’d also never gone on a training run while out of town so staying committed to my training plan was a first. I didn't let not having all the gear I wanted, yucky weather, too much wine, or being in a new place stop me. It may seem small, or like a no brainer but Old Lauren would have used all, or even one of those facts as an excuse to blow off my run. Way to go new Lauren!
I got home stretched and wasn't even sore the next day. After this run and the previous 5 miler and felt pretty crappy the rest of the day-not my legs but more dizzy, nauseous stomach ache. I think it might be dehydration, something I will continue to figure out and work on.

Have you ever used positive self talk to motivate or push yourself? This is a new concept for me….

Saturday "Long" Run

I put long in quotation marks because by most standards five miles is not a long run. I am well aware of that fact, but when it is the longest run I do all week it only feels appropriate to label it as such. I’ve been doing my long runs with the Wow! Bootcamp  AthHalf run group. I like the Wow! group run for a lot of reasons: It is motivating to run with a group, they plan out the distance and mark the route for us, parts of the half marathon are covered on the runs so I know what to expect in those areas, they have water stops for us, and it helps keep me accountable. They plan it all; I just have to show up. This week it was a 5 mile run. I knew from looking at the route that was sent out that it was going to be hilly and tough.

I woke up to tummy troubles and hoped it wasn’t a sign of what was to come that morning. The last long run I’d done (4 miles) I didn’t eat before and my stomach growled the last 2 miles. I’d picked up some new bars at the store and decided to try them as breakfast. I have no appetite in the morning; in fact eating makes me nauseas so I tried to be careful. I ate half of a coconut almond Kind bar in the car on the way to the Y. It was so delicious; it tasted like one of those off brand chewy honey oat bars my mom used to buy. It tasted good, but did not make my stomach feel good. When I got to the Y I tried to go in and use the bathroom in the lobby but the building wasn’t open yet. Fail. I was just going to have to deal.

We did some warm up drills, Zoe showed up, and we were off. At the start I told Zoe that I was tight and sore from pushing it the last half mile of my run yesterday (idiot, I knew I had to run again 12 hours later) and that my stomach was bothering me. I told myself that it would all shake out by the time the first mile marker rolled around. I usually feel better after a mile (although I used to hate people who said that) and I was right, kind of. My muscles were looser and my stomach was fine, and then we hit a hill (and another and another ad nauseam for 4 miles). I knew it was coming and thought it was going to kill me. Surprisingly, it didn’t and Zoe and I high fived at the top #nerdalert.

I would like to stop here and explain that I am a slow runner. I know that and I am okay with it. I mean, sure I would like to crank out 8 minute miles like its nothing but I can’t, at least not right now. Maybe someday….So in order to not burnout my slow, steady pace is about 11:00 minute miles (I know, you can walk that fast, blah, blah, Runner Lauren don’t care). After Zoe and I conquered the hill my running app told me that we’d just run a 9:45 mile. We were all “hooray!” and “oops, crap!” at the same time.

Let’s just say shit hit the fan. I felt like I was made of bricks, my right knee was hurting, my left IT band was screaming, I was getting blisters for no apparent reason. We got to the water stop at the 3 mile mark I commented that this was easily the worst run I’d had in 2 months, someone told us that it was 100% humidity. So, that explained some of it, but really it was the perfect storm. I wasn’t logging my weekly miles the way I needed to be to in order to do longer weekend mileage, I didn’t stretch after my run on Friday and pushed too hard, I didn’t sleep well the night before and it was insanely hot and humid for 7:30am.

I often have to remind myself when I don’t want to run on a Wednesday that I will pay for it later. Bottom line: long runs suck a lot less when you get your week day mileage in. And I also have to keep in mind that you have to have bad runs to appreciate the good ones.

When all was said and done the route ended up being 5.42 miles and it hurt and humbled me. I went home and told Michael “that run tried to kill me.” Which it did, but it also motivated me to do better this week; running is a bitch like that.

I now present to you My Running Blog

I often flip flop around about what kind of blog I want this to be. I feel like a faker writing about running because I am not a hardcore runner, but I have been running more and I have thoughts about it and this is my blog, so I'm the boss and I say I write about running.
Last week I wrote about running after work, and I did it. It was the first run i'd been on in 11 days and it went okay. I had to take 2 walking breaks. The first was because the girl I was meeting for dinner called to cancel and I needed to talk to her. The second time was because I was going up a hill and was out of shape. But all in all it was okay. I was proud of myself for going after work, and in the heat. The only major bummer was that my running app did not save the run. This is not really a big deal but I like to be able to look back on my weekly mileage total/pace.
Thursday I lifted weights and called it a day. Friday I had another run to get in. I knew we had plans that evening so I wanted to get my run in before work (ha).  I turned my alarm off for my morning run like I ALWAYS do. Never once have I got up for my morning run. never. Friday was no different. So, I had to go after work and at 3:00pm on Friday it was 90* and felt like 97* so I ended up on the treadmill. I actually had a surprisingly good run. I was able to zone out and just crank out 3 miles. The last .5 I even turned the pace up fairly high and really pushed myself because I was feeling strong and had a lot left in the tank.
Friday night we had Jody and Zoe over for dinner. We had burgers (I had black bean), sweet potato rounds, corn on the cob, and frozen balsamic veggies from Trader Joe's (which were awesome and I bought them again this week). We chatted and listened to country music while I cooked. The night was to celebrate Michael passing all of his nursing school tests and classes so I manned dinner and just wanted him to relax.
Our grill has been on its last legs for a while now, it was a hand me down and has treated us well but it is old and has been well used. One of the burners shoots fire straight out the back of the grill, and last night another one could not be turned to high or low-just one flame level, and the grates are crumbling etc etc we really should just let it rest in peace, but we are stubborn. When I took the burgers off of the grill they were rare so we put them back on. After several more minutes 2 of them were still rare and the other 3 look better. Jody took one for the team and ate the 2 rare burgers. ew.
Later we went out to the cul-de-sac and set off some small fireworks that were leftover from the rainy 4th of July. Yay! Roman Candles! Our neighbors love us...
Then it was early to bed to get up for my "long" run Saturday morning.

Crazy Kid

A friend at work asked me today when Michael was leaving and I told her two weeks from Friday. But I was wrong. He is leaving one week from Friday. That was a hard pill to swallow. I am sad, and find myself missing him already which isn’t helpful but is how I’m feeling. We aren’t spending much quality time together so it’s easy slip into missing someone even when they are sleeping right next to you.

I found a blog that I really like called 40 Days of Dating, it is about 2 friends who date for 40 days and follow certain agreed upon dating rules and blog about it. The 40 days began in March and I got all caught up on reading it last night and freaked out. The blog ended on day 26 or something and I was hooked and wanted to know what happened but couldn’t figure out why they would stop blogging about the project without warning so close to its completion. I even did two Google searches to find out why there was no Day 27-40. Turns out I didn’t read the “About” section closely enough….The couple is releasing one blog entry a day starting July 10, so I am caught up and day 27 will be posted tomorrow. Crisis averted. Sheesh. #nerdalert

After much debate Valerie has confirmed that she wants her bachelorette party at PCB. Hooray!! (I have to practice screaming “Bachelorette WHOOO” in place of “Spring Break WHOOO”) although my body is not hottie I am looking forward to the beach. And I should not mention that I am sad because it means right off the bat I will have to go two weeks without seeing Michael. Nope, not going to mention it.

Plan for tonight:

Leave work, walk to car, put bag in there and DO NOT GET IN (that is the important/hard part)

Put headphones in, resist temptation to get into car, walk away from car

Run 3 miles

Allow self to get into car (finally, jeez)

Drive home, shower change, meet friend for dinner!

This is a big deal for a lot of reasons. 1. I haven’t seen this friend in at least 8 years, possibly more and I’m not really the reconnecting type. 2. I have to go home and then leave again, I do NOT like to leave my house once I get there (I’m a hobbit). 3. Socializing on a week night whooo! Crazy lady over here!

I will probably have to listen to my pump up song a lot to convince myself to run and socialize. What can I say, I’m a wild one.

Disgusta

This was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a while. I didn’t spend 90% of it in a quiet room watching Netflix with my headphones in not interacting with anyone, so it was an automatic win (I use Michael’s studying as a crutch to not have much of a social life of my own).

Friday I helped Val clean her rental house for new tenants moving in. It was sweaty work and to reward ourselves we went to dinner at Cali N Tito’s, it was awesome to sit outside on a summer night and have a drink and hang out with my best friend. From there we ventured downtown. I haven’t been downtown after 10:00pm in 100 years and I was wearing sweaty gross clothes and generally feeling very out of place. We had a super fun time and didn’t make it home until almost 3:00am, but I did manage to put off an awkward, I don’t know how to talk to people, we are both married and not 19 anymore vibe.               

7:15 came early and I was grateful that the hangover gods were kind to me. I worked until 12:30 and met Michael and his family for lunch at Big City Bread and he brought Stella! I love when she can go everywhere with us. A delicious fried egg sammy was inhaled and I got to catch up with my in laws. From there we boogied West to Augusta to check out the apartment that Michael is going to be living in. The apartment is beautiful and I am going to be spending a lot of time at the pool.

On Sunday we hit the town to explore and see the campus. Every time I have mentioned that Michael is moving to Augusta for nursing school I get a lot of “oh, DISgusta” but I’d checked it out online and knew they had a downtown area, and it was on the water, a lot of medical students, the Masters etc. etc. and I was hoping to get there and drive around and think “see, it’s not that bad!” But that was not the case. It was disgusting. Run down and dirty and not well maintained. It looked unloved and abandoned and I am thoroughly confused as to why. We will do some more exploring and make the best of it when I visit, but the reality is that we have been spoiled by Athens. Oh, good ole Athens. 

It might come true

When the phone call about nursing school came we were both kind of dumbstruck. I mean, Yes! Of course! Hooray! But also, Wait? What? Where?!?! The nice lady from Augusta who just called and dropped a bomb on us said she needed an answer by noon the next day. So we told her we would call her back. We spent that night thinking through all of the implications of him accepting the spot.

He will be moving for two years and we haven’t even been married a year.

We will be supporting two households with one income instead of one household with two incomes.

We have a dog and 2 cats.

We spent the first six months of marriage figuring out how to be married and live together well and we’d finally hit a sweet spot.

We will be apart.

When Michael and I met in Alabama I was coming off of the roughest year of my life. I’d moved to Kentucky for graduate school and was faced with a lot of challenges. I was the only one in my program and had a hard time meeting people and making friends. I was almost 500 miles from home and had only ever lived 65 miles away before. Graduate school was so so hard and due to unforeseen circumstances my roommate had to move home so I was living alone. I felt very alone and lost and I was very depressed. The first night we found out about nursing school my biggest fear was that living alone would mean that I would feel lost and confused and depressed like I had when I was in Kentucky. I couldn’t bear the thought of pulling onto our street and seeing an empty driveway. I have since realized that this situation is nothing like that one, but boy did those fears come rushing back initially.

Michael called the next morning to accept the position and was met with yet another hurdle. He had taken Statistics and Microbiology as the school recommended but did not take Chemistry 2, because they had not mentioned it. He had taken it in the past and gotten a D, which was not acceptable for the program. They apologized for the mistake and told them he would no longer be accepted. We were crushed. But Michael was not going down without a fight. With the help of his advisor he learned that if he could take and pass the CLEP exam in Biology 1 and 2 that score, combined with other science classes on his transcripts would fulfill the Chem 2 requirement.

So, in addition to course work and upcoming final exams in Stat and Micro he was tasked with studying for, scheduling, taking, and passing the CLEP. He was admitted to the program provisionally pending his class grades and test score. And he proceeded to study without ceasing for two weeks.

He got an A in Statistics and passed his CLEP yesterday! The Micro final is next Thursday and Friday. I could be more proud of my husband. At this point we are 99% sure that he will be moving to Augusta in 2 weeks! All of his hard work and determination paid off, but seriously, you should see the dent in the couch where he sits to study :) 

Be careful what you wish for

I like blogging, but often feel uninspired, or directionless. I flip flop between “no one is reading, whats the point” and “I don’t want anyone to read anyway, its really just for me” or “am I writing about life? Or exercise? Or what?”

I blogged about my high hopes for the Third of July and it rained and was a bummer. And then I lost steam. And life got complicated. Really, really complicated. I have debated about writing about it because I do not want to compromise my personal security, but I figure everyone who reads already knows what’s going on and also my address, so if they want to sneak into my house and rob/hurt me while my husband and dog are living 2 hours away they already have the means to do so.

My husband is a dreamer. We even read a quote about dreamers and realists at our wedding. Since we met 3+ years ago he has had a lot of big dreams for his career and our family. He has dreamed of moving out west, or becoming a medic, and toyed with the idea of joining the military. A little over a year ago we stumbled upon the idea of nursing. He is a great people person, fantastic under pressure, and nursing has a lot of different specialties and venues for practice which is good for his tendency to get bored once he has accomplished a challenge.

 He decided to apply to a satellite nursing campus in Athens for a school that was located in Augusta. In May we found out that he was waitlisted and would not know if he got a spot in the program until June. In the meantime, he was told to take Statistics and Microbiology to fulfill the prerequisite requirements. This was super frustrating because he was taking demanding classes for a program he might not get in to, and had to drop several clients at work to make time for class. The classes also required a significant amount of devoted, quiet, study time with internet access for homework and quizzes over the weekend. This meant no lake trips, camping trips, or any travel at all really this summer. But, it would all be worth it if it meant he could get in to nursing school. Unfortunately, the end of June came and the phone call didn't.

To say we were bummed would be an understatement. We had 2 weeks of searching for what he wanted to do, coming up with and weighing options, and generally feeling lost. Then, on Wednesday, July 17^th the call came. He was offered a spot off of the waiting list and into the nursing program! ….At the Augusta campus. The good news we’d been hoping for finally came, with strings attached.

A penny saved is...not worth it sometimes

In my last post I mentioned that I bought 2 tops and 2 pairs of shorts for running from Wal-Mart. It is worth mentioning that my husband and I like to cut corners when we can to save money. We don't have cable, we didn't turn our heat on last Winter, and we use the same coffee grounds and filters for a week before changing them (NOT. ew. so sick.). Anywho, I saw some dry fit shorts for $7.48 and tops for $5.48 at Walmart and though I'd give em a whirl (name that movie).
Guess what friends....you get what you pay for. I was really excited about these shorts because they are a cute color of course but also because they are spandex-y unlike my other running shorts. Meaning they will stay put, I wont have to pull them down every third stride and I wont chafe. After one 3.5 mile run I can say that all of those facts are true. However, the dry fit or wicking material did NOT stand up to the sweat test.

You're welcome for the awkward crotch shot. Please keep in mind that this was not a long run and it was not a sweaty run, it was only 74 degrees out. Please also keep in mind that I did NOT pee my pants.

Now, on to the shirt. Admittedly I bought a size small when I meant to buy a medium, but I did not realize that until after I used scissors to solve the problem. I spent most of my run pulling down the neck of my shirt in an attempt to stretch it/swallow successfully. The neck of this shirt was way, way too tight and small. I needed a bigger size and never would have purposefully bought a small. But maybe I also need to wear a v-neck/scoop neck when I'm exercising to prevent claustrophobia. But I'd already ripped off the tags and sweated in the shirt, so it wasn't going back to the store. I took matters into my own hands and cut the neck of the shirt. Naturally.

I learned about cutting up my own clothes from my friend Valerie.

Yes, that was the brightest colored outfit I've ever worn in my life. And yes, I learned my lesson about buying cheap running gear. But that does not mean you will ever see me shell out $80 for a shirt I will be sweating in cough, cough Lululemon...

Laugh at the rest

We had a super summery weekend complete with a trip to the farmers market, berry picking, and swimming at the waterfall. I know that there are a lot of people out there who think that Fall is the best season of the year but I disagree. I mean there is just no beating fresh Summer produce.

On Sunday we stopped into Walmart because I knew that they had some super cheap workout clothes. I got 2 shirts and 2 pairs of shorts for running in addition to these awesome finds.

This is real life.

Even though Summer is in full swing we have been enjoying some unseasonably cool temperatures. I am all about hot weather but I am not complaining since I went on a nice cool 74 degree run at 8:00pm last night. I’m not exaggerating. It was 74 degrees on July 1st and gorgeous.

I used the run to think about all of the petty, unnecessary fights I have with my husband. Last night we argued about the thermostat. In the past it’s been about the Tupperware cabinet, or how to load the dishwasher or who finished the milk etc. These arguments are a waste of time and energy and all they do is create a divided feeling between us. I know it sounds trite but we are lucky to have air conditioning, and each other. I need to give a little more.  I saw a quote today by Herman Hesse that said “Learn what is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest.” Yes. That. Times infinity.

It’s the last day of work until I get a 5 day weekend and the best holiday of the year. Yahoo!!! After work I have to go buy a beard for my Uncle Sam outfit. Yes, this is real life. Get excited!!

Weekend Goals

Last night we me Ms. Frances at Hendershots for the final night at their current location before moving. Yay for being spontaneous and going out on a weeknight!

This weekend we will be staying in town. I am so excited. It is only the second weekend we’ve had in town in 8 weeks.  I have already mentally filled all of our time with chores, errands, and summer activities but all I really want is to relax. Whyyyyy do I always try to cram so much in….I am telling myself that as long as I go berry picking, buy tomatoes, and go to the swimming hole nothing else really matters.

Then 2 days of work next week, and looooooong Third of July weekend. Yahoo!

I am super proud of my runs this week. I am training for a Fall half marathon and following a mix of 2 training plans. One plan recommended being able to run 3 miles comfortably 3 times a week prior to starting the plan. So I set that goal for myself. I am happy to say that so far this week I have run 3 miles twice at a slow but comfortable pace-especially considering I am running in heat and humidity. I am too stubborn (read: lazy) to get out of bed and run before work so I have been running at 5:00pm, not the coolest part of the day. It is worth mentioning that I am actually looking forward to my runs (I KNOW! I am as shocked as you are). This morning I mixed up my training time and went to the gym 2 hours before I was supposed to meet with Jody so he was with another client (duh) luckily, Michael was able to train me.

 Shocking fact #1 before I knew Michael was going to be able to train me I had the thought “no big deal, I will just jump on the treadmill, Yay!”

 Shocking fact #2 I enjoyed training with Michael and was not cranky or wanting to kill him. Ahhh love.

I plan to get my third run in this weekend. So I guess my weekend goals are:

Buy fresh juicy yummy summer tomatoes

Berry picking/See Carrie and Patrick

Waterfall/See Frances and Zach

Run

Relax and love on Michael

See how I refrained from writing clean house, return things, go to wal mart, grocery shop, food prep blah blah blah. I am prioritizing my summer fun and relaxation. And using that as an excuse to slack in areas of my life that clearly aren’t as fun or rewarding :)

Cheers to the weekend!

Counting Down

I don't like to make a big deal about my birthday (although my husband did make it really fun and special this year).
Thanksgiving makes me feel guilty (choosing between families, someone is inevitably left out).
I'm kind of a Scrooge about Christmas (but getting better after marrying an elf).
New Years Eve always seems like a lot of work for a hangover.
I think that all of this ill-will towards holidays stems from being a child of divorce. I'm not here to win sympathy or to point fingers or blame my parents. I know that they did the best that they could and I love them both dearly but when holidays are spent in rotating shifts the magic gets lost and for me the guilt and stress took over.
However,there is one day of the year that I love. Truly, madly, deeply. The Third of July. I mean, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't already really super pumped up about it. In fact, last night I made Michael model a patriotic headband I bought at the dollar spot at Target (6 weeks ago, yes, I am a nut for anything red, white and blue).



Two years ago Michael were on a road trip on the 2nd and 3rd of July, when boredom took over I offered to entertain him by singing all of the patriotic songs I knew; America The Beautiful, God Bless America, This Land Is Your Land, and on, and on. I have to admit, my talent was pretty amazing. I remember impressing even myself with how many songs I was able to come up with in their entirety and how long I was able to entertain us. We then decided to stop at Rarity Mountain at a scenic overlook in Tennessee to take some pictures and because it was the Third of July I was wearing my most favorite patriotic shorts in all their glory. You're Welcome, Tennessee.

Last year, being an Olympic year and all, I could hardly contain my American Pride. I went shopping and bought allll of the red, white and blue things. And then I challenged myself to see if I could go from the Third of July until the Olympic opening ceremonies, July 27, wearing red white and blue in some form every day. Let's just say it wasn't very challenging.

For my birthday in February I begged (and begged and begged) Michael to buy me this Uncle Sam outfit.

After tricking me into thinking he wouldn't buy it for me all week by saying ridiculous things like "you know Uncle Sam is a guy" and "when would you ever wear that?!" He gave it to me. Best. Birthday. Ever.

So yeah, I will be wearing that to fireworks on the Third. My family is so lucky they get to sit with and Uncle Sam impersonator.

SPF Infinity

I have been married for 235 days. I have found that when you are engaged and newly married people like to offer a lot of words of wisdom about marriage. You know, “never go to bed angry” and “marriage is work” or “marriage is a choice you have to make every day.” And then there are those couples who are deliriously happy because they married their perfect match, or because they “work on their happiness every day.”
My words of wisdom can be summed up using the tag line from an old MTV show, “you think you know, but you have no idea.” I thought I knew. I thought I knew my husband good, bad, and ugly. I thought I knew myself. I thought that since we were already living together our life wouldn’t change much. I thought I knew what marriage would be like, but I had no idea. And 235 days in to it I still feel like I have no idea.
It turns out that marriage, for me, has been kind of like a sunburn (bear with me). I love the sun, I want to be in it all day. I know that I need to wear sunscreen but sometimes I am brazen and feel like I don’t need to be careful or protect myself from the sun. Sometimes I get so used to having my husband around, and expecting forgiveness at every turn I am brazen with him also. I say things I don’t mean, or do things without talking to him first. Because he loves me, so we can figure it out, right?
And then after too much time in the sun, it starts to wear you out. Marriage wears you with the best intentions. The love between you and your spouse is a blessing and a curse. It reveals all of the freckles you try to hide, the parts of you that aren’t so pretty. You can’t hide from your marriage. It will find you, it makes you deal with the things you have tried to hide, things that are painful, or feel too big to be fixed. Once the ugliness is out there, it is easy to feel defensive, feel like your head and your heart are too messed up to work on, like it is the other person’s fault for picking and peeling the sunburn until it is raw and painful. Marriage reveals it. And then there is no going back. You have to own it, figure out what IT is and then figure out how to not let it destroy you and your relationship. Instead, how to create a life and love that is richer for the flaws.
Even though what love has revealed isn’t pretty, it is amazing to be loved in a way that touches you on every level. It is real, and genuine, it touches your core and changes you. I get so frustrated when I feel like everyone’s marriage is happy and sunshine-y and we are the only ones still figuring it out. I am convinced that this is part of an act, and even though you’re smiling in all of the photos you post of you and your spouse, on the other side of the camera you are tearing each other down and creating yourselves again. I am convinced that every relationship is like this. We smile for the camera to show the world that we are still here, still working on it, still putting aloe on our partner’s sunburn.

First days of Summer

Over the weekend we took a trip to one of our favorite weekend getaway spots-camping at Lake Allatoona! You may remember that I got poison ivy there last year....
This weekend, we had friends tag along with us! Jody, Zoe, Allison and John made the trip to the boat. We had a blast on Saturday-swimming, tubing, playing with the dogs, floating and hitting the whiffle ball. It was also the summer solstice and a super moon! Summer is my jam, and you better believe I was pumped!! Everything was so wonderfully summer. Although packing up all of the food and gear and taking care of the boat after a weekend on it is a all a lot of work it makes me so happy. There is nothing better than sleeping under the stars on a summer night, hearing the bullfrogs and crickets, and waking up to a freckled nose from time in the sun. I enjoyed a glorious two and a half hour nap on Sunday and needed a LOT of coffee this morning to face the reality of Monday.
Another bonus to the weekend is that Allison and John introduced me to my new favorite band. Band? DJ might be a better word...damn I'm old... Anywho, its called The White Panda. It's all mashups and very similar to GirlTalk whom I LOVE. Mashups are the best running music-great beats and it switches so often you dont get bored.
I hammered out an awesome 3 mile run today after work to the sweet melodies of White Panda. Then I came home and whipped up a batch of chicken (and chicken less) enchiladas.
Even though I woke up dragging and mourning the loss of the weekend I still managed to show Monday what was up.
Bring it, Tuesday.

Owning it

We all have our quirks, and I've been noticing some of mine with more regularity and distinction lately.

I am obsessed with the pets. This is nothing new. I have been head over heels in love with Bode since the day I could't take him home. (A story for another post.) He is my in my soul, my calm place and my comfort. Stella is our Pretty Girl. She wasn't with us one day last week and it made the whole household feel off. She makes me smile and I love coming home to see her prancing around showing off her favorite frisbee in her mouth. Prim is our comic relief. She can barely jump up onto the bed, is missing half of her teeth, and falls asleep sitting up. She licks my tears away and lets me hold her like a baby. The pets make our house a home. Last night Michael agreed to let the cats sleep in our room (a treat that is usually reserved for Friday and Saturday nights) and I got so excited I made up a dance! I want nothing more than the 5 of us to be together. Always. To infinity and beyond.

I am obsessed with straws. I have one for my Nalgene bottle, my travel coffee cup, my smoothie cup, a special pink straw with yellow polka dots that I only use at my desk at work, a back up pack of straws in my desk drawer (heaven forbid I should go without) and a pack at home. I entered a blog giveaway last week to try to win a glass straw (Oooooh special!) to add to the obsession collection.

I am obsessed with my Nalgene bottle. My husband calls it my security blanket because I drag it ev.ery.where. with me. It is a hideous shade of neon yellow/green and all of the paint has rubbed off of it. It has acquired many accoutrements: the aforementioned straw, a blue splash guard, a carabiner with accompanying strap and clip, and a light blue scrap of felt tied onto the lid. I have had this water bottle for three years. I got it at a sleep over camp I worked at in Alabama where I met Michael. I have no plans to part with it anytime soon.

I am obsessed with cups-I have already mentioned several of them. A special(hideous)floral print travel coffee cup, special smoothie cup (with straw), Nalgene bottle, and a mason jar cup from Terrapin.

I love NPR. I listen to it every time I am in the car and look forward to catching my two favorite programs on Saturday morning; Wait Wait Don't Tell Me and Ask Me Another. I wanted to make a donation during their annual campaign not to fund the shows I listen to and love, but to get a tote bag that said I <3 NPR.

I love white noise. We have an app that we both have to sleep with every night and I turn the fan/space heater on under my desk at work for temprature regulation and also the white noise.

Im sure that there are others but these are the ones that come to mind first!

Sweet Nothing

Over the past 9 months I have been slowly nurturing a new relationship in my life. I wasn't so sure about it at first, and there were times where I thought it was too hard and wasn't sure I wanted to continue. But now, I can say with certainty that is a healthy relationship that I plan to continue for a long time. A relationship with what you ask? Spin class of course! Did I have you fooled?
I go to spin 2-4 times a week. And I've found as much as I love sweating, pushing myself on the bike, and the nice muscle tone spinning gives my legs, I love my instructor even more. Jessica is the.best. any anytime I take a class from someone else I leave majorly disappointed. In Jessica's classes the workouts are tough and the music is rockin. She lets us request songs to play during our workouts which is SO FUN. (Side note: I'm clearly showing my age here if I think requesting songs in a workout class is a blast.) Requests are awesome because people in the class have such a wide taste in music there is a lot of variety. Also, when MY song comes on I get really pumped up.
So, a couple of weeks ago I requested my new favorite song. I think it might have become one of Jessica's favorite songs too because it finds its way onto her playlists a lot. Jessica almost always ends her class in the same pattern, meaning the last three songs of the class usually go like this: a CLIMB, then a SPRINT and then finally the COOLDOWN. She likes to put my special request new favorite song (hang on, I'll tell you what it is in a minute) as the last sprint, and subsequently the last song, of the class.
Let me just say that the combination of getting to hear my song, wanting to sprint hard, and pushing myself for onemoresongohmygod kills me. It. Kills.Me.
And she did it again this morning. At 5:30am. And I almost puked. So, without further ado, I present THE song
Sweet Nothing By Calvin Harris, featuring Florence Welch from Florence and the Machine



Heaven help you if this ever comes on in your spin class. You have been warned.

Push

It's Tuesday, but man it feels like it should be later in the week! Yesterday my favorite toddler Dynamic Duo H and C had their first gymnastics class. The class is held in my building so I stuck around after work to watch them. H (who has become very attached to me) was super hesitant and nervous, she is the more reserved of the 2. C was jumping up and down, so excited to go out and play. H was unsure, she held my hand while we stood off to the side and watched the other kids stretch. She grew more and more interested and I could tell she wanted to go join the class but was intimidated. Finally, the coaches pulled out a stamp pad and every child who could do a "ta-da" (hands up overhead, standing up straight) could get a stamp. Well, you better believe H wanted a stamp after C got one. And she was off. It was so cute to watch them.
I know that as an adult being in a new, strange situation where things are out of your control can be intimidating. I can say that I often do not put myself into situations like that because it is uncomfortable. I like knowing what to expect and feeling confident that I can do what will be asked of me in any given situation, be it social or work related.
It's silly but watching H take in her new, overwhelming surroundings, muster up some courage, take a deep breath, and then jump in inspired me. She was brave, trusted that is would be a fun experience, put herself out of her comfort zone and challenged herself. When was the last time I did something like that?! Imagine how proud and accomplished I would feel if I forced myself out of my comfort zone. Sounds like just what the doctor ordered. So now, what should I do to push myself? Suggestions welcome.

Needless to say, today I am feeling more inspired than I was yesterday. It is worth mentioning that I exercised this morning, weight lifting session with Jody. Whether I like it or not exercise does positively affect my mood. I know that I'm not saying anything new there, but I often like to pretend that exercise doesn't affect my mood that much. I am quick to remind Michael that I fought my deepest depression when I was training for a half marathon and running regularly. Either way there is no denying my improved mood and brighter outlook today.
So, in an effort to keep my brain away from the dark and twisty places there is a 5:30am spin class on my calendar tomorrow. I will have to push myself to get there, it will be uncomfortable, it will be easier for me to roll over and go back to sleep (or stand on the sidelines like H did) but when its all said and done I will be proud of myself. And that feeling alone is worth setting the alarm at any hour for.

New Year

We've all heard the commercials and seen the ads for a "New year, New You" or whatever. But what happens when the clock strikes midnight and I don't feel any different. Instead of jumping on the fresh start with gusto I am wishing I had been turned into a pumpkin. I look back at my last post, it was cheery and optimistic, reading it now makes me feel like a faker.
I do not feel cheery or optimistic.
I do not feel strong or fit.
I do not feel driven or motivated.
I feel fat, stuck, purposeless, irritable, clumsy.
I think that one of the (many) keys to my happiness lies in being stimulated and challenged. When things are easy I get complacent, restless, and down on myself.

So what should I do to get out of this slump? Eat more fruits and veggies! Exercise! Sleep 8 hours a night! Cut back on alcohol!
Eh. I'm no fool. I could try to do all of those things, but they would all be abandoned in about 2 days and then I would be left feeling like even more of a lame-o brain-o.
Instead, I'm going to focus on having a happy, healthy, supportive relationship with Michael, write about how I'm really feeling, and set aside some time each week to address the demons in my head.

But there is still a part of me who wants to use the new year to turn over a new leaf, to sweat, eat whole foods, and love my body. I want to be the girl who is bouncy and fun, who laughs freely, loves her body and doesn't nit pick the shit out of my husband or ruin a good day with a sour puss that seems to be plastered on her face.
How do I do that? How is it possible that I can want to be someone so starkly different from the person that I actually am?

For now, I am going to try to be gentle with myself. I will remember this passage I read this morning: "Listen to the voice in the back of your head which tells you, as much out of sadness as anger, “You are ugly. You are stupid. You are boring.” Give it the fleeting moment of attention it so craves, and then remind it, “Even if that were true, I’d still be worth loving.”"

I will come around, after all the days are getting longer, and sunshine makes me feel so. much. better.