Sweet Nothing

Over the past 9 months I have been slowly nurturing a new relationship in my life. I wasn't so sure about it at first, and there were times where I thought it was too hard and wasn't sure I wanted to continue. But now, I can say with certainty that is a healthy relationship that I plan to continue for a long time. A relationship with what you ask? Spin class of course! Did I have you fooled?
I go to spin 2-4 times a week. And I've found as much as I love sweating, pushing myself on the bike, and the nice muscle tone spinning gives my legs, I love my instructor even more. Jessica is the.best. any anytime I take a class from someone else I leave majorly disappointed. In Jessica's classes the workouts are tough and the music is rockin. She lets us request songs to play during our workouts which is SO FUN. (Side note: I'm clearly showing my age here if I think requesting songs in a workout class is a blast.) Requests are awesome because people in the class have such a wide taste in music there is a lot of variety. Also, when MY song comes on I get really pumped up.
So, a couple of weeks ago I requested my new favorite song. I think it might have become one of Jessica's favorite songs too because it finds its way onto her playlists a lot. Jessica almost always ends her class in the same pattern, meaning the last three songs of the class usually go like this: a CLIMB, then a SPRINT and then finally the COOLDOWN. She likes to put my special request new favorite song (hang on, I'll tell you what it is in a minute) as the last sprint, and subsequently the last song, of the class.
Let me just say that the combination of getting to hear my song, wanting to sprint hard, and pushing myself for onemoresongohmygod kills me. It. Kills.Me.
And she did it again this morning. At 5:30am. And I almost puked. So, without further ado, I present THE song
Sweet Nothing By Calvin Harris, featuring Florence Welch from Florence and the Machine



Heaven help you if this ever comes on in your spin class. You have been warned.

Push

It's Tuesday, but man it feels like it should be later in the week! Yesterday my favorite toddler Dynamic Duo H and C had their first gymnastics class. The class is held in my building so I stuck around after work to watch them. H (who has become very attached to me) was super hesitant and nervous, she is the more reserved of the 2. C was jumping up and down, so excited to go out and play. H was unsure, she held my hand while we stood off to the side and watched the other kids stretch. She grew more and more interested and I could tell she wanted to go join the class but was intimidated. Finally, the coaches pulled out a stamp pad and every child who could do a "ta-da" (hands up overhead, standing up straight) could get a stamp. Well, you better believe H wanted a stamp after C got one. And she was off. It was so cute to watch them.
I know that as an adult being in a new, strange situation where things are out of your control can be intimidating. I can say that I often do not put myself into situations like that because it is uncomfortable. I like knowing what to expect and feeling confident that I can do what will be asked of me in any given situation, be it social or work related.
It's silly but watching H take in her new, overwhelming surroundings, muster up some courage, take a deep breath, and then jump in inspired me. She was brave, trusted that is would be a fun experience, put herself out of her comfort zone and challenged herself. When was the last time I did something like that?! Imagine how proud and accomplished I would feel if I forced myself out of my comfort zone. Sounds like just what the doctor ordered. So now, what should I do to push myself? Suggestions welcome.

Needless to say, today I am feeling more inspired than I was yesterday. It is worth mentioning that I exercised this morning, weight lifting session with Jody. Whether I like it or not exercise does positively affect my mood. I know that I'm not saying anything new there, but I often like to pretend that exercise doesn't affect my mood that much. I am quick to remind Michael that I fought my deepest depression when I was training for a half marathon and running regularly. Either way there is no denying my improved mood and brighter outlook today.
So, in an effort to keep my brain away from the dark and twisty places there is a 5:30am spin class on my calendar tomorrow. I will have to push myself to get there, it will be uncomfortable, it will be easier for me to roll over and go back to sleep (or stand on the sidelines like H did) but when its all said and done I will be proud of myself. And that feeling alone is worth setting the alarm at any hour for.

New Year

We've all heard the commercials and seen the ads for a "New year, New You" or whatever. But what happens when the clock strikes midnight and I don't feel any different. Instead of jumping on the fresh start with gusto I am wishing I had been turned into a pumpkin. I look back at my last post, it was cheery and optimistic, reading it now makes me feel like a faker.
I do not feel cheery or optimistic.
I do not feel strong or fit.
I do not feel driven or motivated.
I feel fat, stuck, purposeless, irritable, clumsy.
I think that one of the (many) keys to my happiness lies in being stimulated and challenged. When things are easy I get complacent, restless, and down on myself.

So what should I do to get out of this slump? Eat more fruits and veggies! Exercise! Sleep 8 hours a night! Cut back on alcohol!
Eh. I'm no fool. I could try to do all of those things, but they would all be abandoned in about 2 days and then I would be left feeling like even more of a lame-o brain-o.
Instead, I'm going to focus on having a happy, healthy, supportive relationship with Michael, write about how I'm really feeling, and set aside some time each week to address the demons in my head.

But there is still a part of me who wants to use the new year to turn over a new leaf, to sweat, eat whole foods, and love my body. I want to be the girl who is bouncy and fun, who laughs freely, loves her body and doesn't nit pick the shit out of my husband or ruin a good day with a sour puss that seems to be plastered on her face.
How do I do that? How is it possible that I can want to be someone so starkly different from the person that I actually am?

For now, I am going to try to be gentle with myself. I will remember this passage I read this morning: "Listen to the voice in the back of your head which tells you, as much out of sadness as anger, “You are ugly. You are stupid. You are boring.” Give it the fleeting moment of attention it so craves, and then remind it, “Even if that were true, I’d still be worth loving.”"

I will come around, after all the days are getting longer, and sunshine makes me feel so. much. better.