Bright Side Bitch

I have a confession to make: I am a recovering Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer. Nancy and Debbie used to be my favorite alter egos. I was your go to girl for bashing ideas, shooting down plans, poking holes in suggestions, and bad mouthing people, events, and things in general.

I've mentioned before that getting married is like holding a big mirror up in front of your flaws. This is a huge one for me, I honestly didn't realize how bad it was or how miserable it is to be around.

I think that the recent desire to let go of Nancy and Debbie is coming from a few places. First, realizing that I was doing it at all. This means taking the time to hear the words coming out of my mouth time and time again. Second, recognizing how much I enjoyed and looked forward to being around happy, positive people- I don't have to wait to be around happy, positive people, I can be one myself! And finally, figuring out that negativity is a miserable, contagious, consuming poison.
We all hear the trite motivational sayings about how "attitude is everything" or "the power of positive thinking" and I have always brushed the sayings off as cliche, insignificant and void of any real motivation, and sometimes I still do. The other day a blog I read asked readers to share their favorite running mantra in the comments, I read them hoping to find something that I could remind myself of on my runs, but I found myself rolling my eyes at a lot of them.
"You can do this"
"You are strong"
"Better, Faster, Stronger"
Reading them in black and white feels cheap, hokey, and silly, but I have to admit that I have chanted "You are awesome" to myself while running up a hill at the end of a run and reminded myself that I was strong enough to finish another mile or so when I was hurting. It seems that part of the battle for me is admitting that it might feel lame but it also might work.
When I started half marathon training I put a shout out on Facebook looking for a training partner and wrote that I would be a "really fun running buddy" even though I felt like a faker as I typed it. I am not fun when I am running. So I decided to make 2 promises to myself. One: be a fun, positive training partner, just like I promised. And two: no negative self talks on runs. I can't tell you how many runs I have gone on in the past where the mantra in my head was 30 minutes of "This.Sucks.This.Sucks.This.Sucks."

Since I made those promises and started training in June I have not let myself think like that. Sometimes it does suck, but I don't dwell on it. I focus on my music, ask myself questions as an attempt at distraction, and repeat mantras. And as a result I am happier. At the end of my run on Saturday I found myself recapping all the reasons that run was special-what a change!
I have also tried to be more positive in conversation and more laid back about things I may disagree with. And I know it is working because it is slowly becoming more natural to react positively. I got lost on my run Saturday and just thought "okay! adventure time!" And when I am around negative people I find myself thinking "damn, your negativity is exhausting" when in the past I would have chimed in.
When I focus on being positive I have more fun, laugh more, enjoy my day more, and Michael and I get a long better.
Valerie calls it being a Bright Side Bitch and I like that bitch a lot more than Nancy and Debbie.

5 Mile Redemption Run

Michael moved to Augusta last Thursday and I went Friday night to spend the weekend getting him unpacked and ready for school. Saturday morning I had a 5 mile long run on the calendar. Before leaving I mapped out a route in the new neighborhood and made sure it was hilly, I know that the half marathon is going to be hilly and avoiding hills at this point won’t do me any favors. Friday night I drowned a bad day in too much wine, but tried to balance it with water knowing I had a morning run.
Saturday morning I woke up at 4:00 am freaking out about my run “I don’t have my hat, I could only find one bobby pin, it is supposed to rain, should I run in the rain? Will all that wine leave me too dehydrated? What if the route is too hilly…” and on and on to the point that I almost got up and went running then just so I could stop agonizing over it. I went back to sleep, woke up, put my gear on and was out the door at 6:56, I get up earlier to run on Saturdays then I do Monday-Friday for work.
In spite of all of the time I spent worrying about it, this was a great redemption run for me. The week before my Saturday 5 miles beat me down, this week I rocked it. The rain was spitting on me the whole way, so it was cool but humid as hell, it was hilly as crap, and I got lost on my new route. But, it didn't matter. I was a positive self-talk machine, or Bright Side Bitch as Val calls it. I alternated between ignoring the rain and reminding myself that is was cooling me off. I’d never run in rain before, I’d also never gone on a training run while out of town so staying committed to my training plan was a first. I didn't let not having all the gear I wanted, yucky weather, too much wine, or being in a new place stop me. It may seem small, or like a no brainer but Old Lauren would have used all, or even one of those facts as an excuse to blow off my run. Way to go new Lauren!
I got home stretched and wasn't even sore the next day. After this run and the previous 5 miler and felt pretty crappy the rest of the day-not my legs but more dizzy, nauseous stomach ache. I think it might be dehydration, something I will continue to figure out and work on.

Have you ever used positive self talk to motivate or push yourself? This is a new concept for me….

Saturday "Long" Run

I put long in quotation marks because by most standards five miles is not a long run. I am well aware of that fact, but when it is the longest run I do all week it only feels appropriate to label it as such. I’ve been doing my long runs with the Wow! Bootcamp  AthHalf run group. I like the Wow! group run for a lot of reasons: It is motivating to run with a group, they plan out the distance and mark the route for us, parts of the half marathon are covered on the runs so I know what to expect in those areas, they have water stops for us, and it helps keep me accountable. They plan it all; I just have to show up. This week it was a 5 mile run. I knew from looking at the route that was sent out that it was going to be hilly and tough.

I woke up to tummy troubles and hoped it wasn’t a sign of what was to come that morning. The last long run I’d done (4 miles) I didn’t eat before and my stomach growled the last 2 miles. I’d picked up some new bars at the store and decided to try them as breakfast. I have no appetite in the morning; in fact eating makes me nauseas so I tried to be careful. I ate half of a coconut almond Kind bar in the car on the way to the Y. It was so delicious; it tasted like one of those off brand chewy honey oat bars my mom used to buy. It tasted good, but did not make my stomach feel good. When I got to the Y I tried to go in and use the bathroom in the lobby but the building wasn’t open yet. Fail. I was just going to have to deal.

We did some warm up drills, Zoe showed up, and we were off. At the start I told Zoe that I was tight and sore from pushing it the last half mile of my run yesterday (idiot, I knew I had to run again 12 hours later) and that my stomach was bothering me. I told myself that it would all shake out by the time the first mile marker rolled around. I usually feel better after a mile (although I used to hate people who said that) and I was right, kind of. My muscles were looser and my stomach was fine, and then we hit a hill (and another and another ad nauseam for 4 miles). I knew it was coming and thought it was going to kill me. Surprisingly, it didn’t and Zoe and I high fived at the top #nerdalert.

I would like to stop here and explain that I am a slow runner. I know that and I am okay with it. I mean, sure I would like to crank out 8 minute miles like its nothing but I can’t, at least not right now. Maybe someday….So in order to not burnout my slow, steady pace is about 11:00 minute miles (I know, you can walk that fast, blah, blah, Runner Lauren don’t care). After Zoe and I conquered the hill my running app told me that we’d just run a 9:45 mile. We were all “hooray!” and “oops, crap!” at the same time.

Let’s just say shit hit the fan. I felt like I was made of bricks, my right knee was hurting, my left IT band was screaming, I was getting blisters for no apparent reason. We got to the water stop at the 3 mile mark I commented that this was easily the worst run I’d had in 2 months, someone told us that it was 100% humidity. So, that explained some of it, but really it was the perfect storm. I wasn’t logging my weekly miles the way I needed to be to in order to do longer weekend mileage, I didn’t stretch after my run on Friday and pushed too hard, I didn’t sleep well the night before and it was insanely hot and humid for 7:30am.

I often have to remind myself when I don’t want to run on a Wednesday that I will pay for it later. Bottom line: long runs suck a lot less when you get your week day mileage in. And I also have to keep in mind that you have to have bad runs to appreciate the good ones.

When all was said and done the route ended up being 5.42 miles and it hurt and humbled me. I went home and told Michael “that run tried to kill me.” Which it did, but it also motivated me to do better this week; running is a bitch like that.

I now present to you My Running Blog

I often flip flop around about what kind of blog I want this to be. I feel like a faker writing about running because I am not a hardcore runner, but I have been running more and I have thoughts about it and this is my blog, so I'm the boss and I say I write about running.
Last week I wrote about running after work, and I did it. It was the first run i'd been on in 11 days and it went okay. I had to take 2 walking breaks. The first was because the girl I was meeting for dinner called to cancel and I needed to talk to her. The second time was because I was going up a hill and was out of shape. But all in all it was okay. I was proud of myself for going after work, and in the heat. The only major bummer was that my running app did not save the run. This is not really a big deal but I like to be able to look back on my weekly mileage total/pace.
Thursday I lifted weights and called it a day. Friday I had another run to get in. I knew we had plans that evening so I wanted to get my run in before work (ha).  I turned my alarm off for my morning run like I ALWAYS do. Never once have I got up for my morning run. never. Friday was no different. So, I had to go after work and at 3:00pm on Friday it was 90* and felt like 97* so I ended up on the treadmill. I actually had a surprisingly good run. I was able to zone out and just crank out 3 miles. The last .5 I even turned the pace up fairly high and really pushed myself because I was feeling strong and had a lot left in the tank.
Friday night we had Jody and Zoe over for dinner. We had burgers (I had black bean), sweet potato rounds, corn on the cob, and frozen balsamic veggies from Trader Joe's (which were awesome and I bought them again this week). We chatted and listened to country music while I cooked. The night was to celebrate Michael passing all of his nursing school tests and classes so I manned dinner and just wanted him to relax.
Our grill has been on its last legs for a while now, it was a hand me down and has treated us well but it is old and has been well used. One of the burners shoots fire straight out the back of the grill, and last night another one could not be turned to high or low-just one flame level, and the grates are crumbling etc etc we really should just let it rest in peace, but we are stubborn. When I took the burgers off of the grill they were rare so we put them back on. After several more minutes 2 of them were still rare and the other 3 look better. Jody took one for the team and ate the 2 rare burgers. ew.
Later we went out to the cul-de-sac and set off some small fireworks that were leftover from the rainy 4th of July. Yay! Roman Candles! Our neighbors love us...
Then it was early to bed to get up for my "long" run Saturday morning.

Crazy Kid

A friend at work asked me today when Michael was leaving and I told her two weeks from Friday. But I was wrong. He is leaving one week from Friday. That was a hard pill to swallow. I am sad, and find myself missing him already which isn’t helpful but is how I’m feeling. We aren’t spending much quality time together so it’s easy slip into missing someone even when they are sleeping right next to you.

I found a blog that I really like called 40 Days of Dating, it is about 2 friends who date for 40 days and follow certain agreed upon dating rules and blog about it. The 40 days began in March and I got all caught up on reading it last night and freaked out. The blog ended on day 26 or something and I was hooked and wanted to know what happened but couldn’t figure out why they would stop blogging about the project without warning so close to its completion. I even did two Google searches to find out why there was no Day 27-40. Turns out I didn’t read the “About” section closely enough….The couple is releasing one blog entry a day starting July 10, so I am caught up and day 27 will be posted tomorrow. Crisis averted. Sheesh. #nerdalert

After much debate Valerie has confirmed that she wants her bachelorette party at PCB. Hooray!! (I have to practice screaming “Bachelorette WHOOO” in place of “Spring Break WHOOO”) although my body is not hottie I am looking forward to the beach. And I should not mention that I am sad because it means right off the bat I will have to go two weeks without seeing Michael. Nope, not going to mention it.

Plan for tonight:

Leave work, walk to car, put bag in there and DO NOT GET IN (that is the important/hard part)

Put headphones in, resist temptation to get into car, walk away from car

Run 3 miles

Allow self to get into car (finally, jeez)

Drive home, shower change, meet friend for dinner!

This is a big deal for a lot of reasons. 1. I haven’t seen this friend in at least 8 years, possibly more and I’m not really the reconnecting type. 2. I have to go home and then leave again, I do NOT like to leave my house once I get there (I’m a hobbit). 3. Socializing on a week night whooo! Crazy lady over here!

I will probably have to listen to my pump up song a lot to convince myself to run and socialize. What can I say, I’m a wild one.

Disgusta

This was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a while. I didn’t spend 90% of it in a quiet room watching Netflix with my headphones in not interacting with anyone, so it was an automatic win (I use Michael’s studying as a crutch to not have much of a social life of my own).

Friday I helped Val clean her rental house for new tenants moving in. It was sweaty work and to reward ourselves we went to dinner at Cali N Tito’s, it was awesome to sit outside on a summer night and have a drink and hang out with my best friend. From there we ventured downtown. I haven’t been downtown after 10:00pm in 100 years and I was wearing sweaty gross clothes and generally feeling very out of place. We had a super fun time and didn’t make it home until almost 3:00am, but I did manage to put off an awkward, I don’t know how to talk to people, we are both married and not 19 anymore vibe.               

7:15 came early and I was grateful that the hangover gods were kind to me. I worked until 12:30 and met Michael and his family for lunch at Big City Bread and he brought Stella! I love when she can go everywhere with us. A delicious fried egg sammy was inhaled and I got to catch up with my in laws. From there we boogied West to Augusta to check out the apartment that Michael is going to be living in. The apartment is beautiful and I am going to be spending a lot of time at the pool.

On Sunday we hit the town to explore and see the campus. Every time I have mentioned that Michael is moving to Augusta for nursing school I get a lot of “oh, DISgusta” but I’d checked it out online and knew they had a downtown area, and it was on the water, a lot of medical students, the Masters etc. etc. and I was hoping to get there and drive around and think “see, it’s not that bad!” But that was not the case. It was disgusting. Run down and dirty and not well maintained. It looked unloved and abandoned and I am thoroughly confused as to why. We will do some more exploring and make the best of it when I visit, but the reality is that we have been spoiled by Athens. Oh, good ole Athens. 

It might come true

When the phone call about nursing school came we were both kind of dumbstruck. I mean, Yes! Of course! Hooray! But also, Wait? What? Where?!?! The nice lady from Augusta who just called and dropped a bomb on us said she needed an answer by noon the next day. So we told her we would call her back. We spent that night thinking through all of the implications of him accepting the spot.

He will be moving for two years and we haven’t even been married a year.

We will be supporting two households with one income instead of one household with two incomes.

We have a dog and 2 cats.

We spent the first six months of marriage figuring out how to be married and live together well and we’d finally hit a sweet spot.

We will be apart.

When Michael and I met in Alabama I was coming off of the roughest year of my life. I’d moved to Kentucky for graduate school and was faced with a lot of challenges. I was the only one in my program and had a hard time meeting people and making friends. I was almost 500 miles from home and had only ever lived 65 miles away before. Graduate school was so so hard and due to unforeseen circumstances my roommate had to move home so I was living alone. I felt very alone and lost and I was very depressed. The first night we found out about nursing school my biggest fear was that living alone would mean that I would feel lost and confused and depressed like I had when I was in Kentucky. I couldn’t bear the thought of pulling onto our street and seeing an empty driveway. I have since realized that this situation is nothing like that one, but boy did those fears come rushing back initially.

Michael called the next morning to accept the position and was met with yet another hurdle. He had taken Statistics and Microbiology as the school recommended but did not take Chemistry 2, because they had not mentioned it. He had taken it in the past and gotten a D, which was not acceptable for the program. They apologized for the mistake and told them he would no longer be accepted. We were crushed. But Michael was not going down without a fight. With the help of his advisor he learned that if he could take and pass the CLEP exam in Biology 1 and 2 that score, combined with other science classes on his transcripts would fulfill the Chem 2 requirement.

So, in addition to course work and upcoming final exams in Stat and Micro he was tasked with studying for, scheduling, taking, and passing the CLEP. He was admitted to the program provisionally pending his class grades and test score. And he proceeded to study without ceasing for two weeks.

He got an A in Statistics and passed his CLEP yesterday! The Micro final is next Thursday and Friday. I could be more proud of my husband. At this point we are 99% sure that he will be moving to Augusta in 2 weeks! All of his hard work and determination paid off, but seriously, you should see the dent in the couch where he sits to study :) 

Be careful what you wish for

I like blogging, but often feel uninspired, or directionless. I flip flop between “no one is reading, whats the point” and “I don’t want anyone to read anyway, its really just for me” or “am I writing about life? Or exercise? Or what?”

I blogged about my high hopes for the Third of July and it rained and was a bummer. And then I lost steam. And life got complicated. Really, really complicated. I have debated about writing about it because I do not want to compromise my personal security, but I figure everyone who reads already knows what’s going on and also my address, so if they want to sneak into my house and rob/hurt me while my husband and dog are living 2 hours away they already have the means to do so.

My husband is a dreamer. We even read a quote about dreamers and realists at our wedding. Since we met 3+ years ago he has had a lot of big dreams for his career and our family. He has dreamed of moving out west, or becoming a medic, and toyed with the idea of joining the military. A little over a year ago we stumbled upon the idea of nursing. He is a great people person, fantastic under pressure, and nursing has a lot of different specialties and venues for practice which is good for his tendency to get bored once he has accomplished a challenge.

 He decided to apply to a satellite nursing campus in Athens for a school that was located in Augusta. In May we found out that he was waitlisted and would not know if he got a spot in the program until June. In the meantime, he was told to take Statistics and Microbiology to fulfill the prerequisite requirements. This was super frustrating because he was taking demanding classes for a program he might not get in to, and had to drop several clients at work to make time for class. The classes also required a significant amount of devoted, quiet, study time with internet access for homework and quizzes over the weekend. This meant no lake trips, camping trips, or any travel at all really this summer. But, it would all be worth it if it meant he could get in to nursing school. Unfortunately, the end of June came and the phone call didn't.

To say we were bummed would be an understatement. We had 2 weeks of searching for what he wanted to do, coming up with and weighing options, and generally feeling lost. Then, on Wednesday, July 17^th the call came. He was offered a spot off of the waiting list and into the nursing program! ….At the Augusta campus. The good news we’d been hoping for finally came, with strings attached.