The Truth Is

The truth is I am not going to be competing in the body building competition I was training for in March. The truth is I wasn’t really training much at all. There were a LOT of missed workouts, a lot of half assed workouts, and even more cheating on my diet.

The truth is I didn’t train for or run the Athhalf.

The truth is I weigh 25 pounds more than I did this time last year. My clothes are tight and unflattering and I feel self-conscious and terrible in my own skin.

The truth is I haven’t been taking very good care of myself. Too much wine every night of the week, lots of take out food, lots of skipped workouts replaced by hours on the couch with Netflix.

The truth is I’ve had enough. It is time to get my act together. I have a 7 mile “goal race” in February that I’m eyeing, I’m running 3 miles 3 days a week, I’m trying to walk more with Stella each day.

The truth is it is not enough. I have to stop drinking 8 days a week and stop justifying all the junk food.  I just feel so defeated, like I’ll never lose the weight and making little changes won’t add up to anything. I need to remind myself that is not the case. I’m just having a hard time staying motivated and on track. But I’ve seen the light, reached the tipping point, and am trying to get back on the horse. It is time to try harder.

Lessons Learned While Running

I want to pick back up with blogging. More specifically, I wan to blog about my runs, all of them. I thought that blogging about each run would be redundant, but really they are all so different. I’m sure I will fall off of this wagon (maybe sooner than later) but I am jumping on it now.

 I started running again in June, and running regularly (following a plan) in July. Since then I have learned a lot about my body and myself. It been amazing and transformative, and I know that sounds dramatic. I have run in the rain, and in the heat, before work, after work, on lunch breaks, in Augusta, Atlanta, Athens, Destin, and Panama City. I had a month of terrible runs where I wanted to quit and now I am running more than a minute per mile faster than I was in July.

 I am that cliché runner girl. I stretch at work, own compression socks and bribe myself to use the foam roller most nights a week with an episode of Parks and Rec. I think about my IT Band more than any human should. I think about running most nights before I fall asleep.  I have really been changed and motivated by this training cycle.

 The physical changes have been surprising and motivating. I have lost 8 pounds, my legs are more toned and my stomach is flatter. My clothes fit better but my jeans still fit, which is surprising (and a little disappointing) after losing almost 10 pounds. I attribute this weight loss to weight training, half marathon training, and self discipline, and calorie counting. But without the goal of the half marathon I would have lost focus and made excuses long ago.

But the real change has been the mental shift. I’ve written in the past about my commitment to being a Bright Side Bitch on runs and I have fought hard to stick to that. When I feel defeated on a run I make myself see how strong I’ve gotten, how far I’ve come, and think about why I’m not feeling great. Did I eat enough today? Am I dehydrated? Tired? Sore? I remind myself that having a bad run does not mean that running is bad and I think of ways to make my next run better-pack a snack, put new songs on the playlist, listen to a podcast instead of music, take a rest day, give my legs a break with a flatter route etc.

This mentality is not something that comes naturally to me. I have had to cultivate it with patience and practice, by addressing negative thoughts with positive ones without letting them beat me down. I am so proud of myself for creating this habit.

This week I order clothes online and received them in the mail. I bought colored skinny jeans and was nervous and excited to try them on, they would have been WAY out of my comfort zone in July. When I pulled them on I felt hot and awesome! I texted my sister, personal trainer, and Michael to share my happiness. After a few texts I sent Michael one that said “mostly it’s just nice to feel good about myself and more confident. The clothes are just a bonus.”

Running has given me confidence, a place to think intentionally and positively, it has made me feel more like myself, which is something I can’t quite put my finger on or explain but I hope to soon.

More than anything I want to keep up this momentum even after the race is over Sunday, I am really worried that it will wane. Here’s hoping that I can hold on to Runner Lauren, and Bright Side Bitch.

AthHalf Training-No More Wine-ing

Half marathon training has resulted in me scaling back my drinking in a drastic way. This time last year I was putting away a bottle of wine on a weeknight like it was nothing. It was embarrassing and over indulgent. I didn’t want to consume the calories, or have to defend my third glass of wine to my husband on a Tuesday, or wake up not feeling my best but night after night I found myself pouring more wine because “why not?” because “it will feel good” because “I will fall asleep easier.” I started to wonder if I need to reevaluate my relationship with alcohol, but avoided doing so because I didn’t want to deal with the possibility that I might need to drastically scale back or cut it out completely.

 It turns out I just needed time, and long term goals that were attainable and important to me. No one asked me to change my relationship with alcohol, I didn’t even ask myself. I also knew that if I did it for someone else (Michael) or made up some arbitrary rule I wouldn’t stick with it. The shift occurred naturally.

I am a sweater. I sweat easily and a lot. I am also a very salty sweater. If my shirt and shorts dry after a run they will be white from salty sweat. My face often has salty white marks on it after a run. That being said, I dehydrate easily. Thankfully, I love water and prioritize drinking it throughout the day. My goal each day is to drink 5 Nalgenes (about a gallon). Being naturally thirsty and adding more miles each week made staying on top of hydration something I had to learn to do. Sometimes I would get behind and end up with a dreaded headache. Adding alcohol to that mix never sounded tempting once I started upping my mileage.

 Friday night is usually a time where I would relax with a couple of drinks, but again, with a long run staring me in the face Saturday morning, drinking more than one drink or at all on Friday became less and less appealing. I still drink on occasion, but the 3 crippling hangovers I’ve had since July have been reminders enough that it is just NOT worth it. I can’t seem to have more than 2 drinks and not be hungover any more. And so I realized, I have no reason to have more than 2 drinks.

I have other bigger, better things going on than a bottle of wine and crying over Greys Anatomy. I want to conquer more miles, feel strong and confident on runs, and give myself the satisfaction that comes with completing a solo long run on a Saturday morning. I also like the way I look in the mirror more and more, and I think the 8 pounds I’ve dropped can be contributed largely to eating real, whole food and cutting out a couple of bottles of wine a week. Yikes.

Cheers!

Perspective

Earlier this week I pulled up to my condo as my neighbor, let’s call her Cathy, was unloading her car. We exchanged pleasantries and she mention that she was just getting in from Gainesville. She teaches in Athens, her husband lives and works in Gainesville, so she lives here Monday-Thursday, much like our living arrangement. I told her that Michael moved to Augusta and so we were in the same boat for the next two years.  At that, Cathy smiled and said that she and her husband had been living like that for 15 years. Fif.teen. Years.

She shared some wise words, and I was comforted in the fact that 1. We were not alone (I already knew this, but it was nice to be reminded by someone who lives right next door) and 2. People make these things work for decades and are no worse for the wear, four semesters of school is a blip on the radar of our lifetime together (again, something I knew but felt good to be reminded of).

Cathy said that being apart is hard, so you have to “really make your time together special.” Yes, I agree. We do the best we can and often times Michael has to study but he is so good about cramming it in during the week so we can have a good chunk of uninterrupted time.

She also said she has made the weeknights time for herself. She said “I’m writing a lot” I replied, “yeah I’ve been running a lot.” And I have been, and it is making me happy. Not having Michael waiting for me at home means if I blow off a run it’s just another hour at home alone with the cats and Netflix, so I might as well get it in.

Thank goodness we aren’t planning on doing this long term and we see each other and chat all the time. I am constantly reminded of the people whose significant other’s are deployed, or far away. We are so fortunate.

Bright Side Bitch

I have a confession to make: I am a recovering Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer. Nancy and Debbie used to be my favorite alter egos. I was your go to girl for bashing ideas, shooting down plans, poking holes in suggestions, and bad mouthing people, events, and things in general.

I've mentioned before that getting married is like holding a big mirror up in front of your flaws. This is a huge one for me, I honestly didn't realize how bad it was or how miserable it is to be around.

I think that the recent desire to let go of Nancy and Debbie is coming from a few places. First, realizing that I was doing it at all. This means taking the time to hear the words coming out of my mouth time and time again. Second, recognizing how much I enjoyed and looked forward to being around happy, positive people- I don't have to wait to be around happy, positive people, I can be one myself! And finally, figuring out that negativity is a miserable, contagious, consuming poison.
We all hear the trite motivational sayings about how "attitude is everything" or "the power of positive thinking" and I have always brushed the sayings off as cliche, insignificant and void of any real motivation, and sometimes I still do. The other day a blog I read asked readers to share their favorite running mantra in the comments, I read them hoping to find something that I could remind myself of on my runs, but I found myself rolling my eyes at a lot of them.
"You can do this"
"You are strong"
"Better, Faster, Stronger"
Reading them in black and white feels cheap, hokey, and silly, but I have to admit that I have chanted "You are awesome" to myself while running up a hill at the end of a run and reminded myself that I was strong enough to finish another mile or so when I was hurting. It seems that part of the battle for me is admitting that it might feel lame but it also might work.
When I started half marathon training I put a shout out on Facebook looking for a training partner and wrote that I would be a "really fun running buddy" even though I felt like a faker as I typed it. I am not fun when I am running. So I decided to make 2 promises to myself. One: be a fun, positive training partner, just like I promised. And two: no negative self talks on runs. I can't tell you how many runs I have gone on in the past where the mantra in my head was 30 minutes of "This.Sucks.This.Sucks.This.Sucks."

Since I made those promises and started training in June I have not let myself think like that. Sometimes it does suck, but I don't dwell on it. I focus on my music, ask myself questions as an attempt at distraction, and repeat mantras. And as a result I am happier. At the end of my run on Saturday I found myself recapping all the reasons that run was special-what a change!
I have also tried to be more positive in conversation and more laid back about things I may disagree with. And I know it is working because it is slowly becoming more natural to react positively. I got lost on my run Saturday and just thought "okay! adventure time!" And when I am around negative people I find myself thinking "damn, your negativity is exhausting" when in the past I would have chimed in.
When I focus on being positive I have more fun, laugh more, enjoy my day more, and Michael and I get a long better.
Valerie calls it being a Bright Side Bitch and I like that bitch a lot more than Nancy and Debbie.

5 Mile Redemption Run

Michael moved to Augusta last Thursday and I went Friday night to spend the weekend getting him unpacked and ready for school. Saturday morning I had a 5 mile long run on the calendar. Before leaving I mapped out a route in the new neighborhood and made sure it was hilly, I know that the half marathon is going to be hilly and avoiding hills at this point won’t do me any favors. Friday night I drowned a bad day in too much wine, but tried to balance it with water knowing I had a morning run.
Saturday morning I woke up at 4:00 am freaking out about my run “I don’t have my hat, I could only find one bobby pin, it is supposed to rain, should I run in the rain? Will all that wine leave me too dehydrated? What if the route is too hilly…” and on and on to the point that I almost got up and went running then just so I could stop agonizing over it. I went back to sleep, woke up, put my gear on and was out the door at 6:56, I get up earlier to run on Saturdays then I do Monday-Friday for work.
In spite of all of the time I spent worrying about it, this was a great redemption run for me. The week before my Saturday 5 miles beat me down, this week I rocked it. The rain was spitting on me the whole way, so it was cool but humid as hell, it was hilly as crap, and I got lost on my new route. But, it didn't matter. I was a positive self-talk machine, or Bright Side Bitch as Val calls it. I alternated between ignoring the rain and reminding myself that is was cooling me off. I’d never run in rain before, I’d also never gone on a training run while out of town so staying committed to my training plan was a first. I didn't let not having all the gear I wanted, yucky weather, too much wine, or being in a new place stop me. It may seem small, or like a no brainer but Old Lauren would have used all, or even one of those facts as an excuse to blow off my run. Way to go new Lauren!
I got home stretched and wasn't even sore the next day. After this run and the previous 5 miler and felt pretty crappy the rest of the day-not my legs but more dizzy, nauseous stomach ache. I think it might be dehydration, something I will continue to figure out and work on.

Have you ever used positive self talk to motivate or push yourself? This is a new concept for me….

Saturday "Long" Run

I put long in quotation marks because by most standards five miles is not a long run. I am well aware of that fact, but when it is the longest run I do all week it only feels appropriate to label it as such. I’ve been doing my long runs with the Wow! Bootcamp  AthHalf run group. I like the Wow! group run for a lot of reasons: It is motivating to run with a group, they plan out the distance and mark the route for us, parts of the half marathon are covered on the runs so I know what to expect in those areas, they have water stops for us, and it helps keep me accountable. They plan it all; I just have to show up. This week it was a 5 mile run. I knew from looking at the route that was sent out that it was going to be hilly and tough.

I woke up to tummy troubles and hoped it wasn’t a sign of what was to come that morning. The last long run I’d done (4 miles) I didn’t eat before and my stomach growled the last 2 miles. I’d picked up some new bars at the store and decided to try them as breakfast. I have no appetite in the morning; in fact eating makes me nauseas so I tried to be careful. I ate half of a coconut almond Kind bar in the car on the way to the Y. It was so delicious; it tasted like one of those off brand chewy honey oat bars my mom used to buy. It tasted good, but did not make my stomach feel good. When I got to the Y I tried to go in and use the bathroom in the lobby but the building wasn’t open yet. Fail. I was just going to have to deal.

We did some warm up drills, Zoe showed up, and we were off. At the start I told Zoe that I was tight and sore from pushing it the last half mile of my run yesterday (idiot, I knew I had to run again 12 hours later) and that my stomach was bothering me. I told myself that it would all shake out by the time the first mile marker rolled around. I usually feel better after a mile (although I used to hate people who said that) and I was right, kind of. My muscles were looser and my stomach was fine, and then we hit a hill (and another and another ad nauseam for 4 miles). I knew it was coming and thought it was going to kill me. Surprisingly, it didn’t and Zoe and I high fived at the top #nerdalert.

I would like to stop here and explain that I am a slow runner. I know that and I am okay with it. I mean, sure I would like to crank out 8 minute miles like its nothing but I can’t, at least not right now. Maybe someday….So in order to not burnout my slow, steady pace is about 11:00 minute miles (I know, you can walk that fast, blah, blah, Runner Lauren don’t care). After Zoe and I conquered the hill my running app told me that we’d just run a 9:45 mile. We were all “hooray!” and “oops, crap!” at the same time.

Let’s just say shit hit the fan. I felt like I was made of bricks, my right knee was hurting, my left IT band was screaming, I was getting blisters for no apparent reason. We got to the water stop at the 3 mile mark I commented that this was easily the worst run I’d had in 2 months, someone told us that it was 100% humidity. So, that explained some of it, but really it was the perfect storm. I wasn’t logging my weekly miles the way I needed to be to in order to do longer weekend mileage, I didn’t stretch after my run on Friday and pushed too hard, I didn’t sleep well the night before and it was insanely hot and humid for 7:30am.

I often have to remind myself when I don’t want to run on a Wednesday that I will pay for it later. Bottom line: long runs suck a lot less when you get your week day mileage in. And I also have to keep in mind that you have to have bad runs to appreciate the good ones.

When all was said and done the route ended up being 5.42 miles and it hurt and humbled me. I went home and told Michael “that run tried to kill me.” Which it did, but it also motivated me to do better this week; running is a bitch like that.